Fringe theory used to be fun. You just sat around getting stoned for hours on end, speculating wildly about topics you lacked any formal education in, finally settling on a heartily agreed-upon “I mean, who knows?” and ordering takeout, all without harming another living soul. What the hell happened?
My favorite pastime has always been pondering the great questions of life, the universe, and everything in an extremely low-stakes forum under the influence of drugs and alcohol, preferably around a fire pit, preferably while listening to Jefferson Airplane, and that pastime has been taken from me. Everywhere I go, no matter how benign the fringe topic I would like to have a fun conversation about may be, the discussion veers into racism, eugenics, and far-right politics within minutes. What the fuck, man?
I’m getting desperate. Is there somebody, anybody out there, who would like to smoke weed on my couch and have a lofty, armchair expert discussion on stoned ape theory — let me finish — who is not a racist, sexist, fascist piece of shit? Anybody?
I find the idea that the cognitive revolution of early man may have been triggered by psilocybin mushrooms to be fascinating, and I do not see why a friendly, weed-fuelled discussion on the matter has to veer into how DEI hiring practices cause plane crashes. That’s not true, and more importantly, that’s not fun! Fun would be, like, imagining the first caveman on mushrooms to discover fire, and acting out the scenario using funny caveman voices, and laughing a bunch. That’s what I want. That’s what I’m in this for.
Just how in the fuck did we get here? Back in the early aughts, it seemed like there were a million comedy podcasts that catered to this exact sort of thing. Now, all of those podcasts still exist, but they’re parading dipshits like Ben Shapiro and telling me the liberals want to rip my dick off. I just want to laugh and think about aliens and shit!
Some of you may be thinking, “How could a conversation about apes doing shrooms turn racist?” I can tell you firsthand, there are more answers to that question than you could ever want to know. Pretty much anything anthropology is a fucking minefield. I’m not going to say what they are here, because that’s how bad they all are. Just take my word for it.
I’m not saying we need to strictly stay on topic; there’s a lot of tangents a stoned ape theory discussion can lead to, and that’s part of the fun! Just as long as they are, you know, fun. Terence McKenna? Let’s fucking go! Phrenology and Heinrich Himmler? Not so much!
Tomorrow afternoon I will be on the back patio of The Daily Grind vaping sativa and thinking the big thoughts. If anyone who is not a racist would care to join me, feel free to pull up a chair, but I swear to God, if you so much as mention DEI, the erasure of Western culture, or Theo Von, I have mace, dude.
