OK, by no means am I a perfect person, and I never claimed to be. I fully admit that I made a few mistakes during my most recent excursion to the local Golden Corral, but I’ll happily own up to them and take this as a learning experience. As such, here are five bodily fluids that I learned the sneeze guard was not designed to withstand.
- Vomit
Yeah, those 11 cans of Busch Light that I drank during my drive to the restaurant didn’t sit as well as I had expected, and decided to make an appearance as I was contemplating the steakburger bar. The sneeze guard did its job, though, so I really don’t understand the gasps of shock and revulsion coming from the other patrons. Only a little bit dripped down from the guard, and I managed to wipe it up with the inside-out pocket of my sweatpants. No harm, no foul, but try telling that to the management.
- Drool
In my defense, that homestyle stuffing looked really fucking good, and I was extremely hungry after my little slip-up at the steakburger station. Honestly, the staff should have taken it as a compliment in lieu of threatening to kick me out for the second time. Haven’t they heard that the customer is always right?
- Sputum
What, so a sneeze is socially and hygienically acceptable, but a wad of phlegm hocked up from the deepest recesses of my lungs and spat out of my mouth is not? It’s basically the same substance, so I don’t see what the issue is. Granted, I didn’t have to go to such lengths to express my displeasure with the sight of the scalloped potatoes, but I’m an animated person by nature. Sue me.
- Pus
Had I known that I had pink eye, I would not have ventured out to dine at this establishment. I’m not an animal. So yeah, this one’s on me, and I truly can’t blame everyone for being so disgusted. I’ll even be the bigger man here and offer to reimburse them for the cost of the banana pudding, because, while it was certainly protected by the sneeze guard, its appeal was definitely overshadowed by the copious amount of rheumy discharge, and I can’t imagine too many customers availed themselves of it.
- Urine
This part of my afternoon was later recounted to me, as I unfortunately had blacked out by this point. Evidently, the sneeze guard over the salad bar was no match for the voided remnants of my bladder, and it was here that the workers finally decided it was time to force me out of the building. Honestly, I’m surprised it took them so long to do that. Hopefully, they see this article as my way of apologizing, so they won’t get all high and mighty when I go back tomorrow.
