MUNCIE, Ind. — Democratic gubernatorial candidate Wesley Ellison admitted to purposely phoning in his run for governor while writing a memoir reflecting on his loss, apathetic sources confirmed.
“I didn’t put too much energy into my campaign, but I did spend a lot of time thinking about potential paperback sales,” Ellison asserted. “My memoir paints a picture of a tarnished nation — powerless now, but poised to rise from dictatorial ashes in the future, emphasis on ‘future.’ I am shocked and appalled by Trump’s rape of American democracy. However, I am not in favor of confronting it with bloodshed, or, for that matter, any action whatsoever. Putting a halt to the bulldozing of the Trump administration would take serious effort. Rather than help restore the foundations of democracy, I did something profitable on a personal level. We’ll plan on doing something. Eventually. In the meantime, please buy my new book, ‘American Blues: How the ‘Radical Left’ Will End Up On the ‘Radical Right’ Side of History.’”
Dwight Sederman, one of Ellison’s voters, is displeased with the decision of the candidate he supported.
“Well, I was never really a ‘supporter,’” Sederman clarified. “I don’t believe in idolizing politicians, and the whole ‘The Coolest Wes Since Anderson’ slogan felt weird and irrelevant. Now we have that asshole [Rick] Reynolds running the show. He just posted ‘get ready for an ICE-cold summer’ on X, although I’m sure he would throw a fit if anyone in his office called it that. Thanks a lot, Ellishit, you just set our state back forty years.”
Elise Victor, the publisher of memoir, sees a bright future for Ellison’s book.
“I think of him as the next Jake Tapper or Hillary Clinton, in terms of hand-wringing writing,” said Victor. “We’re about to tear the New York Times bestseller list a new asshole. People are saying he could have been hosting rallies in more rural areas, like Reynolds was, but Wes kept writing like a man possessed, sending me drafts that would make Obama weep.”
At press time, Ellison’s memoir had 16 preorders through Barnes & Noble, and a further nine through Amazon, after Chuck Schumer gave it a shoutout in a recent press conference.
