DES MOINES, Iowa — Rocking gently on a creaking wooden chair as dusk settled and wind chimes rang out their soft, mournful tones, a local Millennial reportedly regaled a small group of youths with vivid tales of a long-lost ancient ritual known as the “house party,” confirmed intrigued sources.
“The house party was once a sacred tradition practiced by our people—young adults who gathered en masse inside a single residential structure to drink warm beer and yell over each other,” said 35-year-old Annie Morgan, staring into the distance and closing her eyes. “I can still hear it if I concentrate. Just one stereo system with someone’s mix tape called ‘Party Mix 2 Final FINAL’ of songs ripped off LimeWire. That was all we had. And in the middle of the song you’d hear ‘We da best music!’ or ‘Another one!’ You see, back in that time, there was no way to protect producers and artists from having their work stolen. And we were very much stealing it, so they had to do that. But when that bass hit, the night had officially begun.”
Young listeners appeared visibly unsettled and confused by the account.
“She said you’d just show up. And sometimes you didn’t even know whose house it was, but that it always featured at least one broken lamp and one dramatic breakup,” said a young man identified only as Aiden. “No ticket? QR code? And yet they even had phones and evidently printed out directions from something called MapQuest. I’m still not sure why everyone would need to be in the same place at the same time just to interact with other humans of the same age. Seems cringe.”
Maya Fischer, another youth, said she was initially confused by the logistics of the tradition, particularly the origin of the house itself.
“At first I thought it was, like, a venue?” Fischer explained. “But then she said it was just someone’s house. Like, a regular house. That they owned. But who owned it? Who can afford a house? Maybe they hung out with landlords because that’s the only people who own houses. I’ll never understand that generation.”
At press time, witnesses confirmed the group fell silent as Morgan explained that many young adults once had parents who could afford homes large enough to temporarily sacrifice to alcohol spills and strangers sitting on their beds.
