As the United States descends further into fascistic chaos, the American people continue to look to their elected leaders to enact policies that will prevent the GOP from running further amok. Critics have denounced the Democratic party for lacking clear strategic goals and acting upon them. To get to the bottom of this, we sat down with longtime DNC strategists and Ned Flanders’s parents, Nedward Sr. and Capri Flanders.
Thanks for meeting with us today, we’re sure you must be very busy.
Nedward: Thanks man, we’re sick of talking with a buncha losers straight from Squaresville man!!
Capri: Yeah, you gotta help us, doc!
Okay we’re not doctors, not sure where you got that idea — and we’re not really here to offer help — but we would like to know how you would respond to your critics who have noted the Democratic Party has lacked both strategy and action.
Capri: We don’t believe in strategy man, those are like RULES!
You don’t believe in strategy, but you’re the council in charge of DNC strategy?
Capri: That’d be like, telling people what to DO man!! And we can’t do that!!
Nedward: Yeah, we gave up telling people what to do when we started living like freaky beatniks, man!!!
Okay, but, for example, Rep. Chuck Schumer was evidently using the “strategy” of conceding to a bunch of harmful GOP policies in the hopes they would compromise and concede to at least a few Democratic suggestions. They didn’t, and actually enacted more conservative policies. Have you considered telling him that it might actually be helpful to have a definable strategy with actual, specific goals?
Nedward: We couldn’t tell Chuckie what to do, MAN!! That’d be like telling Gene Krupa not to go BOOM BOOM BOOM, BAP BAP BAP BAP, Tsss tssss, boom boom BAP BAP BAP
So not even just, uh, Chuckie, but for example the Democratic party couldn’t even come together in the legislature to decline to “thank” ICE for their “service.”
Nedward: BOOM BOOM BOOM, BAP BAP BAP, TSSS TSSS!!! *both Capri and Nedward descended into nonsensical and possibly musically inaccurate jazz sounds.*
Also, not sure Gene Krupa is the most engaging reference for today but uh, speaking of reaching your base, even before the election the DNC refused to have a trans speaker at their conference in an attempt to appeal to moderates but instead just completely alienated their base and also didn’t end up winning over any moderates. Have you considered having a strategy or clearly stating your ideals at all?
Capri: You gotta help us doc! We tried nothing and we’re all out of ideals!
Lousy beatnicks.
Editor’s note: We would’ve continued this interview but Trump and RFK started running around Congress, punching people in the face and yelling “Whee! I’m Dick Tracy! Bam! Take that Prune Face! Now, I’m Prune Face! Take that Dick Tracy! Now I’m Prune Tracy! Take that Dickf……” and we figured someone should step in and try to do SOMETHING.
