BUFFALO, N.Y. — A local disturbed man took bankgoers hostage and threatened to execute one every hour until his friends give Ween an honest chance, confirmed sources.
“I don’t think I’m asking for the world here,” said patchouli oil reeking hostage taker Clayton Ferguson. “I just want my friends to listen to one Ween album, all the way through. Every time I put on Ween in the car they make me turn it off instantly, hopefully now they have no choice. Carl, James, Tanya, if you’re listening to me, I will paint the wall with this motherfucker’s brain unless you fully listen to ‘Chocolate and Cheese’ and give me your honest opinion on it. Stay seated, asshole. I won’t hesitate to cap you! No, I don’t want any money, stop asking!”
Although Ferguson’s friends expressed concerns over the hostages’ safety, they made it clear that they won’t give into his demands.
“You can kill my own mother if you have to, I’m not listening to that trash,” Carl Jones adamantly insisted. “Let me make something perfectly clear: just because a band plays songs spanning all genres doesn’t mean they are good at any of them. I’d rather see a million hostages shot than listen to three minutes of ‘The Mollusk.’ I don’t fucking care if it was in ‘The SpongeBob Movie,’ so was David Hasslehoff, you don’t see me hanging out with him.”
The police at the scene were baffled.
“I’ve never seen such a deranged individual,” said 30-year veteran negotiator Captain Rick Steele. “We see all kinds of hostage situations. People want their kids back, need money for a sex change for their lover, someone wants to force their family to watch the extended editions of ‘Lord of the Rings.’ But this? This is something else entirely. Never have I seen a perp so messed up that they think it’s ok to subject others to ‘Buckingham Green.’ Luckily we have snipers in place, hopefully we can get this thing wrapped up without anyone important being hurt.”
At press time, Ferguson was enticed with an offer to let one hostage go in exchange for police referring to him as Clayton Ween.
