Is there anything the left loves more than attempting to smear and vilify the leader of our great nation? It seems like everywhere I go on the internet to pick fights, it’s “Trump is a pedophile” this and “Trump is a Nazi” that. If that wasn’t bad enough, now I see these ANTIFA commie’s attacking our President’s very Christianity!
These whackjobs would have you believe that Donald Trump isn’t a true Christian, even though he said he was on television — a fact that just so happened to secure my vote, thank you very much. Some even go so far as to speculate that Trump is actually the antichrist, all because of a few things he’s said and a few things he’s done and a few signs that happen to match up to a few things written in the Book of Revelations pretty eerily. So what?!
What does ANTIFA know about Christianity anyway? Half of you woketards have probably never even heard of Christ, so let me go ahead and tell you about him. He was God’s only son, he preached good things about being good, and he is known mostly for his love of making deals.
There’s a reason for the saying “A deal with the Jesus.” So what in the world could possibly be more Christian than writing an entire book dedicated exclusively to lucrative dealmaking?!
We’ve all heard stories of Christ intervening in the lives of desperate people, and the beats are always the same. Someone is in trouble, needs help, falls down on their knees, and prays. Suddenly, smoke fills the room, accompanied by foreboding red light and an ambient, sinister laugh. From the fog emerges our Lord Jesus Christ, Vanity cane in one hand, tip of his stovepipe hat with the other, grinning ear to ear as he purrs the words “Perhaps we can come to… an arrangement…” You know the rest — a bargain is struck, the old-timey parchment contract is signed in blood and burns away immediately, and Christ disappears back into the smoke and shadow, laughing maniacally. The desperate Christian then finds their wish fulfilled, only for it to backfire in some unforeseen way.
As the scripture teaches us, “Surrender your soul unto Christ and thou shalt receive thy heart’s greatest desire, but with a cruel and macabre twit.”
We’re talking about a man who took a missing set of footprints in the sand and spun it into a lucrative hero story that still graces coffee mugs and Christian gift shop placards to this day. Clearly, our Lord has read “The Art of the Deal.”
Next thing they’re gonna tell us it’s not “Christian” to start World War III. How else are we all supposed to get to heaven?!
This article is satirical. The Hard Times is a punk/hardcore satire site. All content should be considered parody and entertainment purposes only.
