RALEIGH, N.C. — Federal Immigration Officer Ronny Pimmental once again woke up in terror after experiencing a recurring nightmare of migrant workers providing for their families and trying to enjoy their lives, sources confirmed.
“I’ve tried everything to get these nightmares to stop. I’ve been drinking more, experimenting with drugs, and trying to avoid sleep altogether. It seems like as soon as I close my eyes I see these men and women speaking Mexican and laughing hysterically, it’s awful,” said the officer who was fired from all his previous jobs due to rage issues. “Sometimes I’ll be frozen in an illegal alien’s home watching them play with their kids. I try to scream ‘Freeze, Immigration, you’re under arrest’ to get control of the situation, but my mouth makes no sound. I’m stuck there just watching a happy family when all I want to do is make sure those children are locked up far away from the eyes of lawyers and advocacy groups.”
Kat Suarez, a local community organizer who helps migrant workers caught up in raids attain legal counsel, says all of the ICE agents she has met are complete cowards.
“I’m not shocked to hear that these guys are having trouble sleeping at night. From what I can gather, most of these officers seem upset they aren’t allowed to breastfeed anymore. They also seem to be so juiced on TRT that they all look like a 7-Eleven hot dog that’s ready to burst,” said Suarez. “If they have a mandate to get criminals off the street, then all they need to do is march into the nearest police station and admit that they love driving drunk, and their favorite pastime is knocking their kids around a bit. The migrant families in our community are not the problem.”
Tactical commander Gregory Bovino admitted he also has nightmares related to the job.
“People look at me and see a big tough guy who could probably kick the crap out of Iron Man and Batman at the same time, and mostly that’s true, but sometimes I do have moments of weakness,” said Bovino. “I’ll often dream about the raids I’ve helped organize and wake up regretting the fact we didn’t attack more people protesting. All those people off to the sides with their cardboard signs, they are dangerous individuals, and I wish we took the time to tear gas more of them. But there is always the next batch of protesters, and we have an endless supply of pepper balls and rubber bullets.”
At press time, Officer Pimmental plans on taking a leave of absence after he discovered he enjoys the taste of horchata.
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