STOCKHOLM, Sweden — Spotify released its popular annual year-end “Wrapped” feature which gives users a snapshot of their music and podcast listening trends along with a new feature that shows how much of their money went to fund AI warfare technology, multiple users confirmed.
“We are always looking for ways to make Wrapped engaging for the user. Whether it’s creating custom genres with hilarious names, delightful auras, or a heat map of where AI drones are dropping bombs across the world. We make all the Wrapped content easy to share so your friends and family can see exactly how much of your money has helped fund these instruments of death,” said CEO Daniel Ek. “It’s the loyal Spotify customers who don’t want to lose access to playlists they’ve curated over the past decade who make these war machines possible. Try to boycott us, you can’t. We live inside your head.”
Long-time Spotify customer Eddie Landers admits his Wrapped synopsis was embarrassing on multiple levels.
“I realized around July that my Wrapped was going to be fucked this year. I tried to beat the algorithm by listening to ‘90s hardcore bands on loop. But despite my best efforts, Sabrina Carpenter was still my top artist this year. And worse, I’m in the top 3% of listeners worldwide. I wish I could blame my girlfriend, but I’ve been single for eight years,” said Landers. “Then the Wrapped took a really dark turn where it showed a weird dancing robot creature with my face shoving piles of money into a furnace that said ‘War’ with a clip of ‘Please Please Please’ playing. I want to delete this app, but the Tidal algorithm will take weeks to learn my preferences, and I don’t have time for that.”
Sociologist Debra Harrington believes most people will stick with Spotify despite the company’s many shortcomings.
“Yeah, Spotify doesn’t pay artists well, they are pushing for more AI content on their platform, and their investment in Helsing is morally bankrupt. But what is the average person supposed to do? Use Deezer? That’s just not going to happen,” said Harrington. “Spotify is too big at this point. They could send goons into your house to smack your dog around for hours and you would still be like ‘But without Spotify how will I discover new music?’ But you can take solace in the fact that you aren’t alone. The world is filled with cowards who won’t cancel their account.”
At press time, Ek announced Spotify would once again cut artist royalty payments in order to invest in a company that intentionally pollutes drinking water in underdeveloped countries.
This article is satirical. The Hard Times is a punk/hardcore satire site. All content should be considered parody and entertainment purposes only.
