BORING, Ore. — Local band Lifetime Original Bitch is just one chart-topping song away from becoming a one-hit wonder, sources desperate to make it confirmed.
“We’ve tried everything to strike gold,” songwriter and singer Cameron Troia explained. “Our first single was ‘American Girl Doll Girl,’ which I wrote as our take on ‘Barbie Girl.’ Then, we thought we had a surefire thing with ‘I’m Too Prudish,’ a flip of Right Said Fred. But holy shit, nothing is working. We’ve done novelty stuff, down-the-middle ballads, rock covers of Michael Jackson’s ‘Smooth Criminal,’ everything. I thought people ate this shit up. The closest we’ve ever gotten was getting almost 100 SoundCloud hits on one of our tracks. That’s progress from our typical 13. We’re so close to writing that singular hit that defines us as a band for decades with millions of fans who have never even thought to check out our other stuff. That’s the dream.”
Veronica Nouvelle, the producer of Lifetime Original Bitch’s debut album “All Original,” recalls trying her best to make sense of their disjointed efforts.
“They’re trying way too hard to write a smash hit by trying to cover all their bases. You need to let the hits come to you,” said Nouvelle. “Working with Cam and the guys has been endless headaches. That, and trying to see what they can get away with before we have to pay royalties. Get this: they wanted to put a trip-hop song about weird deaths, like the Butthole Surfers did, before a fucking Daniel Powter ripoff called ‘Good Day.’ It took everything in my power to shut that down. After all, no one wants to be reminded of Daniel Powter.”
Albert Wazinski, a Billboard data analyst for the past 30 years, gives Lifetime Original Bitch slim chances at ever seeing success.
“In my estimation, L.O.B. almost certainly will not see the charts, ever. But, well, you never know,” Wazinski began. “For instance, take a look at Blur. They’re best known here in America for ‘Song 2,’ which is this total joke song they seem to regret. That’s the winning songwriting formula. Bands’ biggest hits are typically ones where they wrote in 30 minutes as a goof before throwing on their album last-minute.”
At press time, there seemed to be a sudden wave of hope when Lifetime Original Bitch cracked 250 TikTok hits on a clip of “Goldilocks and the Three Bears,” their new track inspired by Green Jellÿ’s “Three Little Pigs.”
This article is satirical. The Hard Times is a punk/hardcore satire site. All content should be considered parody and entertainment purposes only.
