STUBBS, Wisc. — Acclaimed singer-songwriter Justin Vernon hoped his next Bon Iver album would prove profitable enough for him to be able to finally vacate the one room, isolated shack in the Wisconsin wilderness he’d been residing in since 2006, numerous sources with just-discovered strains of rabies confirmed.
“People assume that since I pack amphitheaters and have two whole Grammys that I must live in some lavish three-bedroom mansion in River Hills or have running water,” Vernon said while cutting off his hair with a rusty Bowie knife for “insulation for the coming winter.” “But since I hit it big years after people stopped actually buying music, I don’t exactly have the means to get approved for a loan or buy a big-boy bed. As it turns out, those ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ song placements only go so far.”
Samira Spiers, a Milwaukee-area realtor, says her efforts to help Vernon find a new home were soon curtailed by “inadequate record-keeping and communication incompatibilities.”
“I asked him if he had a pre-approval letter for a mortgage he could send to me, but instead I got a bunch of sad songs written in charcoal on parchment paper,” Spiers said. “And then whenever I asked him about his long-term goals as a homeowner, he’d let out this wounded mewl like a constipated chihuahua that I could only put up with for five minutes at a time. I hope that’s his way of saying he prefers townhomes because that’s what I’ve been sending him.”
An anonymous acquaintance of Vernon, who specifically requested to be attributed as Taylor S., admits to being taken aback by the state of his living arrangement.
“I love Justin, especially the indie cred he’s been able to give me,” S. said. “But when he said he lived in a ‘shack,’ I figured he meant a waterfront estate that only went back four generations, not a place with a literal ‘shit hole.’ I thought I was slumming it back when I lived in Cape Cod when I was dating this guy Conor. Can’t he just raise $15 million in a month by re-recording his back catalog?”
At press time, Vernon expressed relief that he’d at least saved up enough money to purchase a vehicle to replace the mule-drawn cart he’d been relying on for transportation.
This article is satirical. The Hard Times is a punk/hardcore satire site. All content should be considered parody and entertainment purposes only.
