WASHINGTON — John Fetterman’s internal pendulum has reportedly shifted to far-left ideology following a second ambiguous health episode, according to sources close to the Senator.
“One more tumble and all of a sudden he’s back to calling Trump a fascist,” confirmed an aide who chose to remain anonymous. “He wants to shut the government back down until the democrats can solidify guarantees on healthcare. He wants to redistrict Pennsylvania to maximize blue votes. He wouldn’t even go to the hospital this time; he just popped back up and said, ‘Take me to the nearest Nazi bar, Pappa Fetterman’s got some punchin to do.’”
Dr. Emily Fonttane, who treated Fetterman until his previous far-right turn caused him to reject western medicine, provided further analysis.
“I’ve been told I will be sued for calling them ‘strokes,’ but it would seem Mr. Fetterman’s latest, cranial-snafu, has damaged the parts of the brain that took over after his last fall and kicked the others back online. I wouldn’t get too used to it, it’s only a matter of time before another incident flips the whole thing again. The real danger would be John getting a firm bonk on the head, which could transform him back to his King Tutankhamen persona, in which he becomes a highly stylized museum jewel thief.
At press time, minority leader Chuck Schumer condemned Fetterman’s left-wing turn as “dangerous,” claiming the turn ran the risk of “inspiring bravery in others.”
This is a breaking story, and we will have more as it develops.
