MINNEAPOLIS — Paige Gerbert, known as online creator ASMR Pope Hammer, posted a viral video on her YouTube account titled “ASMR | Sound of Bandage Slooowly Peeling Off My Skin (warning: gloppy),” confirmed sources who couldn’t click it fast enough.
“I was recovering from a leg injury I got in the pit at a Turnstile show. Someone in sandals hooked me bad with their big toenail. The doctor my shitty health insurance sent me to gave me a bandage and a prescription for gas station kratom and a microphone for contacting aliens,” said Gerbert, who refers to herself as an ASMRtist. “This gave me an idea. When the trench of puss in my leg stopped smelling, I turned the gain way up on the mic and held it close. Then I peeled the bandage off real slow, like for 30 minutes. Next thing I know, I’ve got 10 million views. Now I’m uploading more videos with audio from things like the soft nut mashing of skateboarding injuries, fleshy rat bites, and sticky omphalolith removals—I dare you to look that up—but I’ll close my show with my big hit.”
A local fan of ASMR (autonomous sensory meridian response) explained the appeal.
“I’m personally responsible for 50,000 of those 10 million views. There’s just something about the sound of a bandage being removed from an open wound that puts me to sleep,” said Marcus Murphy. “Those goopy, crispy sounds give me the chilliest tingles. They even helped me cure my insomnia. I no longer need Monster Energy throughout the day to function. However, it turns out I do need someone messing with their lacerations to get adequate sleep. The bloodier the better.”
One of the first and foremost ASMR creators, Maria Viktorovna—also known as ASMR Gentle Whispering—congratulated Gerbert.
“That ASMR Pope Hammer hit 10 million views without first posting a cranial nerve exam, eye exam, or dermatological exam video is amazing. Lucky her, she won’t need to deal with billing health insurance, since 41% of Americans now get their medical care from ASMR exams on YouTube,” whispered Viktoronova while instinctively running her fingers through a hair brush. “It’s only a matter of time before the tight-knit back waxing community finds her and she hits the mainstream.”
As of press time, Gerbert couldn’t believe her luck when she lost half her arm in a tragic accident, which she plans to use to create countless ASMR videos.
This article is satirical. The Hard Times is a punk/hardcore satire site. All content should be considered parody and entertainment purposes only.
