WASHINGTON — The Trump Administration announced Monday that children who are on EBT, or SNAP benefits, will only be permitted to trick or treat at houses giving out apples, confirmed sources.
“Look, no one wants to be the bad guy, but we have to start cracking down on how our resources are allocated to make sure we have enough for our military parade budget,” explained White House Press Secretary and guerilla agent for preventative Botox Karoline Levitt. “Our children need to be healthy. If you’re getting things for free you can’t expect that they come with no stipulations or fun-size Twix bars. No one should expect handouts or free Tootsie Rolls. Especially if their costume sucks. Or if they’re using a pillow case instead of a cute little pumpkin to hold them. These children need to learn to pick themselves up by their bootstraps.”
Parents of the affected children report feeling mixed emotions.
“I mean, I understand that nutrition is important, but after a long hard day of third grade, shouldn’t it be okay for a kid to just chow down on a Laffy Taffy?” lamented Jean Smith, mom of four working two minimum wage jobs. “Plus these kids can get nutrients from the candy I’m sure. They can get in their daily iron from those pesky razor blades that the news says always find their way into a bowl of Snickers. That’s basically the nutritional equivalent to eating a carrot.”
However, some of those affected report a feeling of understanding regarding the new policy, like Sean Jarvis, a local 8-year-old on SNAP benefits who was dressed in a cop costume.
“I mean hey, in America, everyone has to earn their keep. Everyone has the power to do so. That’s capitalism, baby! That’s what makes this country so great,” said Jarvis while pretending to brutally assault someone over a routine traffic stop in his costume. “If I get the short end of the stick this time around, so be it. One day I’ll earn enough to buy myself and my family king-sized Hersey chocolate bars. Which is just what my family voted for. Oh and because, you know, we hate gay people. And immigrants.”
At press time, Levitt rejoiced that the White House didn’t have to decorate for Halloween because there are plenty of skeletons hanging in Trump’s closet, cobwebs collecting on the Teslas sitting on the South Lawn, and a rotting corpse sitting in the Oval Office.
