JUPITER, Fla. — A new feature in your vehicle’s GPS now measures distance in the time it would take you to smoke a cigarette, confirmed sources who finally found a benefit of smoking.
“I clicked on something called ‘Punk Mode’ on my GPS app and suddenly it told me I was approximately five cigs from my destination,” you said at a gas station as you bought a pack of cigarettes for the first time. “Then another menu popped up asking me to select my brand and whether I smoke regulars or 100s. It also asked if I chain smoke or if I take a few minutes between. I don’t know much about cigarettes yet but I appreciate the level of detail. I have a trip planned to Arizona next month and the GPS said it’ll take roughly two cartons to get there.”
Your significant other said the distance-in-cigarettes feature isn’t the only quirk about the GPS’s Punk Mode.
“The directions have become horribly inaccurate,” said your better half while wondering why your phone suddenly smells like a wet dog. “Before it used to say things like ‘Turn right on Maplewood Dr.’ and ‘Merge right to stay on Center St.’ But now it gives directions like ‘Turn left where the liquor store used to be.’ and ‘Make a right at the bar where The Casualties played that time.’ Who the hell are the Casualties, and why do I care where they played?”
The CEO of Wherez, the company that provides the GPS app, weighed in.
“That all seems accurate,” said CEO Tam Rinsk while taking in the view from his second story office. “We actually don’t own any GPS satellites floating around in space, so we’re left to bum signals off of bigger, more successful companies. Therefore, we need to use more fluid directions as opposed to actual numbers and distances. So using unintelligible directions like that is actually the perfect way to skirt around that minor detail. Say, you don’t have any GPS satellites we can use, do you?”
At press time, the GPS was seen asking if you had any spare change.
