CHICAGO — William Hopper, the bassist for local metal band Cannibal Buffet, was abruptly promoted after a particularly bad streptococcal infection transformed him into the perfect lead metal singer, sources report.
“William is a decent bassist,” said Cannibal Buffet bandmate and co-lead guitarist Joffrey Rosenbaum. “Which really means that he can unload the van pretty okay most of the time and doesn’t ask to write any songs. But after he got that gnarly throat thing from sharing a can of Schlitz with a dog wearing a bandanna, something about him has changed and I just think he has what it takes to front [Cannibal Buffet]. A couple weeks ago, I felt completely fine with continuing to tell him that it is traditionally the bassist’s job to fill up the van’s gas tank, but now he somehow really embodies the true spirit of metal.”
Dr. Alan Grant, the urgent care practitioner who diagnosed Hopper with the infection, warned that the promotion may have consequences for the former bassist.
“I understand that Mr. Hopper has a musical career,” said Dr. Grant. “And artistic expression is a beautiful thing, even for a bassist. But if he does not have this streptococcal infection treated with a course of antibiotics immediately, he is at risk for some very serious health issues. He could develop bloody esophageal abscesses, rheumatic fever, even necrotizing fasciitis. Although, considering all of those are metal as hell, he might actually end up with a successful solo career if he develops any of them.”
Chip Ballard, chief of A&R for Sony’s metal division, recently listened to a demo of Cannibal Buffet with the confused Hopper now on vocals and has put out feelers to the group.
“With William on lead, I think the ‘Buff could really turn into something great,” said Ballard. “Or at least something that could move some goddamn units in this musical climate. As long as he doesn’t do something stupid like gargle with salt water or drink some tea with lemon and honey, that former waste of space that used to be a bassist could be an icon.”
As of press time, Hopper was unable to form articulate human speech and booked for a recording session.
