JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Local father Jim Lapkus, who seemingly abandoned his family four years ago after saying he was just heading out to grab some cigarettes, finally returned and brought with him enough smokes for everyone, confirmed sources.
“My jaw was on the floor when Jim showed up at the front door,” said Lizzy Lapkus. “I was angry for years after he left. I had just given birth to little Amy. But when he showed up with cartons of Lucky Strikes my heart melted. It’s my favorite brand from before I quit smoking. He remembered. It’s been good to have Jim back. Sam was a good surrogate father for the kids over the years. He kept me company and satisfied all my romantic needs. It’s too bad he has to go now that nicotine and Jim are back in my life.
The father of three did not believe he had done anything wrong despite community criticisms of him being an absentee parent.
“First off, I never said how long I would be gone when I left,” said the 45-year-old. “All I said was ‘I’d be back in a bit, gonna go buy some darts’ and that’s exactly what I did. Do I regret not getting to be there when little Amy learned to crawl or talk? Sometimes. But I was there when she got to smoke her first pack of Parliaments. All the kids are so much bigger and mouthier now. Jim Jr. in particular has his father’s edge. He talks back a lot to me but he calms down once he inhales some Marlboros.”
Social services has been monitoring the Lapkus family to ensure the kids are in a healthy environment.
“We have been keeping an eye on the Lapkus family closely to ensure Jim’s reintegration has been easy,” said Wanda Kellerman. “As the assigned social worker I have talked to all the children and parents individually to ensure the household is a safe environment to raise a family. Sometimes they are agitated but once the kids have their tobacco fix they tend to calm down. The parents have assured me they are going to wean the kids off of cigarettes and introduce them to vaping nicotine. This will help them fit in with their peers in school as well.”
At press time, Mr. Lapkus was again absent from home for a few days after telling his wife and kids that he needed some fresh air and was stocking up on more cigarettes, but that he would be back at sometime or another and to quit nagging him.
