WASHINGTON — President Trump threatened the residents of the nation’s capital by saying that if they don’t fall in line and obey the orders of American law enforcement agencies he will be forced to call in the IDF to restore order, sources confirmed.
“We are going to get this city back under control by any means necessary. I’ve order the National Guard, the FBI, the CIA, and even a couple of other agencies you havent even heard of, and these are really bad dudes, to sweep the streets. But if people decide to whine and complain I have a nice surprise for them, I’m going to call in the IDF and let them go nuts, they are already paid for by American taxpayers, we might as well use them,” said Trump. “The IDF soldiers are a different breed. They don’t give a crap about anything. I’ve seen them shoot children right in the face and not even flinch. I honestly wish we had more of that here. We could finally get rid of the radical left Antifa maniac children who have been indoctrinated by critical race theory in their preschools to hate America.”
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was excited about the prospect of his fighting forces on American soil.
“It’s a well-known fact that most of America is a Hamas stronghold. Cities like New York, D.C., and Los Angeles are almost entirely populated by Hamas operatives and it would be a dream to come in and open fire on anyone we suspect to be a terrorist, whether they be man, woman, child, or rescue dog,” said Netanyahu. “We are working closely with the Trump administration to be able to mobilize our troops at a moment’s notice. He has already promised us the full use of Air Force One, and the same airplane that the government seized from Jeffrey Epstein.”
Officials from the Democrat party were quick to condemn Trump’s actions.
“We will simply not stand for this. As soon as we get back from our summer recess we vow to write multiple stern emails and send them directly to the official White House email address. We also promise to stand up to this tyranny by wearing a small pin on our lapels that show we stand against fascism. We aren’t sure what that pin will look like yet, but we are bouncing around some really cool ideas,” said Hakeem Jeffries. “But, also we want to let the IDF know we support their efforts to defend themselves against any Americans who fight back against them if they are to enter our cities. We stand with the IDF in condemning any forms of anti-semitism, which includes criticizing the IDF.”
At press time, President Trump threatened to declare Martial Law in the city after seeing a few Black teenagers loitering outside of a 7-Eleven.