WASHINGTON — President Trump took control of the police in Washington, D.C. and deployed the National Guard to crack down on rampant crime and destruction after accidentally watching a 30-second YouTube clip of the January 6th riots he provoked, sources confirmed.
“This once great city that was built on the world’s most beautiful swamp is being destroyed by a horde of bearded, tubby, radical left lunatics with ill-fitting pants. Just today I watched news footage of the gorgeous Capitol Building being destroyed by these Antifa thugs sent from New York by Mamdani, who we are going to deport by the way. No way that guy is staying here, he’s gone,” said Trump from his underground bunker. “That is why today I’m calling up the National Guard to come in and restore order. Everyone in the National Guard has been begging me to let them loose, they call me up they say ‘Mr. Trump, Biden ruined this city, it’s a mess. Dogs are peeing on trees, I saw someone littering, please let us beat people up.’ Attorney General Pam Bondi, she’s great isn’t she folks? And look at those legs, they go all the way up to heaven and beyond, and she’s got a brain to match, she’s going to lead the crack down and we know she’s going to do a great job.”
White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt explained more of the President’s logic.
“Mainstream media outlets are reporting that crime is down in the city, and that might be true statistically, but you have to remember that in 2021 there were hundreds of crimes on one single day and that is going to skew the numbers. So if you throw out the January stats, and then throw out all the other stats from the past 10 years, and then go by the numbers we just made up, you can clearly see crime is out of control,” said Leavitt. “The President says this is just a temporary measure, and once every citizen of this city agress to comply with everything the President wants then we can return to normalcy. But we just want to make it clear that any protesting, filming of police, or even if you look at a cop funny, will result in you being sent to a black site with no due process.”
Historians across the country are sending up warning signs about Trump’s actions.
“Oh yeah this is fucking bad. We’ve seen this so many times in banana republics across the globe. It’s only a matter of time before they round up me and my colleagues and summarily execute us for spreading knowledge,” said Stanford History Professor Edward Calder. “I don’t think I’ll be sticking around here. I’ve saved up some money, I’m going to buy a shack in the northern woods of Norway and try to live out the rest of my days in peace. I wish all the other Americans the best of luck, but you’re fucked.”
At press time, Congressional Democrats are deciding to fight back by doubling the amount of fundraising emails they send to constituents.