KENILWORTH, Ill. — Local metalhead Travis Garnette was dejected after failing to scare unsuspecting suburbanites while wandering around Lovelace Park earlier this week, unshaken witnesses state.
“Back in the day, a guy like me would walk into a 7-Eleven with just an Iron Maiden shirt and families would clutch their children,” said Garnette, tugging at his spiked choker collar. “Now I’m out here wearing corpse paint, a leather trench coat with a pentagram spraypainted on it, and loudly playing Hellripper from my phone. Then this Costco mom asks me to watch her kids while she runs to the bathroom. It’s like Satanism doesn’t even register anymore. Meanwhile, this black family opens a picnic basket and everyone starts calling the cops. They are so lucky!”
Observers say park security was flooded with calls after an African-American family sat on a picnic blanket sharing a charcuterie.
“Wait, which black guy? The kid dressed in black or the, um… Oh, the long hair kid? So adorable. He reminds me of this guy I dated in high school who was way into Ouija boards,” said Lisa Brentwood, 44, while clutching a tote bag that said “Grace, Faith, & Coffee!” “But that family over there? I don’t know… they’ve been here a while. I just… have a feeling. As a mom, you have to trust your gut. If they didn’t do anything wrong then they shouldn’t be upset about the police questioning them.”
Experts agree that there has been a shift in American culture as to what white suburban residents deem dangerous.
“Weirdly, with the rise of Christian Nationalism, Satanic Panic isn’t really seen as scary anymore, while the threat of white genocide very much is. White fear has evolved,” said Dr. Naomi Stevens, a sociologist at DePaul University. “The same people who once panicked over Ozzy Osbourne biting the head off a bat are terrified of a black kid eating a sandwich too confidently. It’s not about real threats, it’s about comfort zones. And Travis isn’t the threat anymore, people of color prospering and enjoying life terrifies the majority of America.”
At press time, Garnette purchased a goat head from a butcher and lit it on fire while screaming “Sol Vive Satana!” as police responded immediately and detained the African-American family.