WYTHEVILLE, Va. — Scott Griffith, vocalist and guitarist for black metal band Skogklage, showed himself to be a total poser when it was revealed that he has a sense of humor, disgusted sources report.
“I love black metal almost as much as the art of standup comedy, man,” said Griffith. “Black metal has been my favorite genre since I picked up Emperor’s ‘In the Nightside Eclipse’ when I was in middle school. I love to put on corpse paint and shriek about Tolkien characters while trem-picking. It’s a total blast. After our shows, though, I usually just wash myself off and relax by watching ‘The Simpsons’ reruns. I love the episode with Marge fighting the creation of the town’s monorail; that shit was so funny. I know that black metal musicians are often seen as these grim, joyless grouches, who refuse to watch ‘Arrested Development,’ but I see no reason to be like that. It’s just music, and I really enjoy playing it. Why should I be a miserable fuck just because it’s expected of me?”
Ken Bryant, drummer for Skogklage, was shocked and dismayed by his bandmate’s revelation.
“Scott said WHAT?” Bryant exclaimed. “There’s no way I can play in the same band as somebody who enjoys Monty Python or has smile lines. Everybody knows that the only way to embody the true spirit of black metal is by staring at a desolate forest as your sole source of entertainment. I’m going to have to kick him out of Skogklage, or better yet, kill him and make a necklace out of bits of his skull. I have to salvage my kvlt reputation here. We’ve been together for three years, have played countless shows, and have put out an album and an EP. I need to do something extreme so everybody knows that I’m still dedicated to the craft of black metal.”
Sociologist Seo-yeon Park provided her insight on Griffith’s situation.
“This guy is definitely an anomaly in the black metal world,” Park said. “I’ve been doing case studies on musicians in this field for over a decade, and coming across someone who is even remotely fun to be around is exceedingly rare. Usually, my conversations with subjects result in them mocking me for never having listened to Dawn or Judas Iscariot, or for me mistakenly assuming that Belphegor is black metal when they’re actually blackened death, or simply quoting ‘Office Space.’ I must say, I was pleasantly surprised at how charming Griffith is.”
At press time, Griffith further enraged his bandmates by showing up to practice in a Morbid Angel shirt.