MOAB, Utah — Local sociopath and murder enthusiast Greg Allen Hargrove reportedly left his favorite blade casually hanging over the side of the sink Tuesday evening “just in case” he felt like treating himself to another killing spree later, confirmed sources.
“I dunno, I wasn’t really in the mood for another body, but you never know,” Hargrove said nonchalantly while scrolling through red room streams on the dark web. “I keep the knife there for convenience, you know? Like, ‘Hey, if something happens, I’ll be ready.’ If not, it’s no big deal. I’ll just clean it up tomorrow. Or whenever I get around to it.”
Hargove’s roommate of five months, Tim Bradford, expressed frustration of the brutal serial killer’s laziness and slovenly lifestyle, seemingly unaware or indifferent to Hargrove’s murderous extracurricular activities.
“Hey, man. To each his own. As long as you pay your rent on time, I don’t care if you throw parties, have friends over, or even if there’s muffled screams emanating from his bedroom at all hours of the night. But when you start leaving dirty dishes and knives around, we have a problem,” explained Bradford. “Like, what if I’m having a girl over and then she freaks out because Hargrove left a femur in the bathtub? I guess he must have a dog somewhere and that’s why he’s got the bones? Again, I don’t care. Just clean your shit.”
Renowned FBI profiler Dr. Sandra Laxley points out that Hargrove’s laziness nearly disqualifies him from being labeled a serial killer.
“I’ve studied hundreds of serial killers, and most of them are perfectionists, fixating on their victim’s last moments and making sure to cover their tracks,” Dr. Laxley explained. “But Greg? Greg is something different. He’s like the guy who shows up at the gym, but instead of working out, he just texts on his phone for an hour. He’s there, but he’s not really doing the work. As an FBI profiler that does this stuff for a living, I can’t help but think his attitude is really disrespectful.”
At press time, Hargrove was lazily chopping up a body in his bedroom while eating a sandwich and watching an episode of “The Office.”