WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump signed an executive order that required Disneyland to reopen Splash Mountain and “Song of The South” be restored to what he called its “beautiful heritage,” sources confirmed.
“The way that all-time classic has been treated by Disney is a disgrace,” Trump said during the signing of the order. ”People come up to me at my rallies, tears streaming down their face, can you believe, and they say, ‘Well, sir, the Democrats decided honoring Southern heritage was offensive so they replaced our beloved ‘Song of The South’ with Tiana’s ‘Bayou Adventure,’ and it’s just shameful. And you’ll never guess what happened when they did that. It closed down! You had all these people showing up to Disney going, ‘Who the hell is Tiana?’ and they just leave. They leave the park. If Disney doesn’t do the right thing I hate to think of what might happen to them. Once Pete Hegseth finishes drinking his lunch we’re going to discuss our military options because this is a disgrace.”
Disney representative Dianna Brooke was surprisingly on board with the order.
“President Trump made some excellent points in between his rants about ‘the radical left’ and how McDonald’s french fries use to be saltier than they are today,” said Brooke. “We plan to comply with the order fully as soon as we figured out what we did with all the parts from the Splash Mountain ride. After all, Southern heritage is something all Americans should be proud of and celebrate. It’s not about race. It’s about an infinite supply of free labor, which is an initiative Disney can get behind.”
Chief Strategist and aspiring cuckold Stephen Miller applauded Disney’s complicity.
“This marks a brave first step in denouncing the shameful smearing of the Confederacy by Disney, and President Trump and the entire administration congratulate them on their bravery,” Miller said. “The American people can rest easy knowing that the president is committed to renewing state rights and restoring order to our country. This is just the first of many steps the Trump administration will be taking. Next, he will be signing a follow-up order requiring Disney to bring back racist stereotypes in their cartoon characters. Discrimination and bigotry brought a lot of joy to children.”
At press time, Eric and Donald Trump Jr. were being treated at the Disneyland medical center after drinking too much of the chemically treated water on Splash Mountain during the inaugural ride at its grand reopening.