LOS ANGELES — KISS bassist and singer Gene Simmons is reportedly charging fans $12,500 for the opportunity to change the God of Thunder’s colostomy bag, disgusted yet intrigued rock fans reported.
“I came up with the idea last time I changed a bag. I tossed the filth-ridden sack of excrement in the trash and thought to myself, that’s gotta be worth something,” said Simmons while signing off on designs for KISS-branded HVAC filters. “The demand for KISS is at an all-time high and this colostomy package is really an amazing opportunity. You get to assist in removing the bag, cleaning the port, and wiping up any excess that gets on the floor. All that for $12,500, and they get to keep the bag! And for an extra thousand bucks, you can watch Ace Frehley get a colonoscopy.”
Dale Martin, a KISS fan since 1981, purchased the colostomy package without fully understanding what he was getting himself into.
“I was on the KISS merch site bidding on a stage-used Les Paul from the Love Gun Tour and just before the auction closed some fucking billionaire outbid me,” said Martin while looking for a frame that complemented his new KISS colostomy bag. “I kinda panicked and just clicked the ‘buy it now’ button on the next item without really checking what it was. It wasn’t exactly my first choice, but ultimately the whole experience was pretty satisfying. Gene didn’t really look at me, but he did make an affirmative grunting sound when I asked him if I needed to pull harder to get the bag off.”
George Frederick, owner of Frederick Medical Supply in North Hollywood, said rock stars have been some of his best customers, but Simmons was someone special.
“You never forget a guy like Gene, he came in my store when the bags his doctor gave him weren’t meeting the KISS standard,” said Frederick while packaging up a shipment of insulin and Valtrex for the upcoming Poison tour. “I can’t blame him really, he wanted the best, and he got the best…the ActiveLife closed-end pre-lubricated colostomy bag, the kind of product KISS fans have come to expect. I’ve sold supplies to all the big named rockers. Billy Idol’s cane, Ozzy’s neck brace, not to mention I’ve kept the Chili Peppers in adult diapers since 1986. But knowing this bag will serve the Demon himself then adorn some lucky fan’s wall is really special.”
At press time, bids on Paul Stanley’s original hip had reached $3,500.