MESA, Ariz. — A local man, described by everyone who knows him as an unambitious, directionless complete loser, is reportedly pretty cool with that, according to sources watching him meander around the neighborhood without a care in the world.
“I prefer to live in the moment. Dreams, aspirations, and personal achievements just get in the way of that,” stated 42-year-old Tanner Briscoe as he vaped on a park bench watching people hustle to work. “All my life I’ve been told I’m a failure because I have no drive, but I’m very happy—so if that makes me a dud, so be it. My grandparents let me stay in their garage after my parents kicked me out, but honestly, I’ve got everything I could ever want. Who needs goals when you can play Scrabble with Gran and Gramps all day?”
Briscoe’s longtime friend Chris Hartenstein can’t believe someone like him isn’t miserable.
“He’s always lived a purposeless life,” said his pal who looked 20 years older than his age because of the crippling weight of all his responsibilities. “No job, no partner, no kids—how can that bring contentment? Last week I was up to my eyeballs with work, juggling daycare and divorce court, while Tanner spent most of his time trying to find some Pokémon card on eBay that he ‘needed’ for his collection. It’s time he grew up and lived a life of unrelenting pain like the rest of us.”
Psychologist Emily DeChambre described how ne’er-do-wells achieve joy.
“There’s no secret to this,” DeChambre explained. “Society pressures us to get a job, get married, and have children. But without those things—which can often be soul-sucking and burdensome—you’re left with the closest thing to true happiness that exists in this world. As long as you have a roof over your head, food, and some time to yourself, what more could you want? Throw in some old fashioned board games with your sweet old grandparents and, uhhh…Sorry, I think I just came.”
At press time, Briscoe was seen setting up his backyard hammock while the rest of his friends were trying to figure out how they were going to pay for their kids’ education.