STOWE, Vt. — Party attendees are on high alert after learning that the acoustic guitar on the premises has been wired to detonate if a capo is placed on the second fret, sources who would rather die than hear another shitty version of “Wonderwall” confirmed.
“After my last rager was ruined by yet another three-hour singalong, I decided that this is the only practical way to ensure that ‘Wonderwall’ is never played on my property ever again,” stated Kyle DiNatale while adjusting the straps on his kevlar-lined undershirt. “I don’t mind if any other song is played in the background, but ‘Wonderwall’ is such a party ruiner that I’m willing to shove a block of C-4 into the soundhole that will blow this entire shindig sky-high if a capo goes anywhere near the second fret.”
Self-proclaimed guitar whiz and tone deaf singer Matt Arnold is willing to find a workaround if it means he can serenade the crowd with his rendition of the iconic Oasis song without incident.
“Listen, I know that the thing’s primed to level an entire neighborhood, and I’ve experienced my share of controlled detonations in the past,” confirmed Arnold while sizing up the wiring job on the Martin acoustic sitting in the corner. “But there are variables to consider, like whether the explosive device is triggered by pitch to detonate when an open F# is strummed, or if Kyle simply has a motion sensor placed specifically on the second fret. The latter scenario can be rectified by tuning the guitar down half a step and placing a capo on the third fret. I reckon if I’m right, then we’re in the clear. If I’m wrong, just maybe I’ll go out in a blaze of glory like a Champagne Supernova in the sky.”
Local SWAT team captain Carl Stewart is prepared for business as usual after an anonymous tip from concerned partygoers.
“Honestly, I’m not too concerned with what is by all measures a standard Gallagher-class threat,” said Stewart while packing his go bag consisting of wire cutters and tuning forks. “There’s not much we can do because we can’t proactively show up at every single party that has an acoustic guitar on sight. At this point, as guitar bombs become more sophisticated, the problem will solve itself in just a few short years, collateral damage notwithstanding.”
At press time, DiNatale was spotted rigging the drum kit to prevent anybody from playing the fill from “In the Air Tonight.”