DAVENPORT, Iowa — A cash-strapped punk band embarking on their first tour was able to cut their transportation expenses 90% by stealing an unattended sprinter van from the local Costco parking lot, onlookers have reported.
“The label signed the band contingent on us immediately going on tour to promote the album but none of us have a ride. I thought we were screwed until our usual band meeting in the Costco parking lot when we found the answer right in front of us, specifically this Ram ProMaster with the keys still in the ignition,” said Hurt Vonnegut frontman Eddie Cleaver. “Now that we have something to haul our gear and provide a place to sleep, we can buy more important stuff like more distortion pedals and beer. We’re already five shows and three states into the tour, so the investment has already paid for itself. I just wish it had better speakers.”
The van’s owner did not share Cleaver’s optimism.
“This is the fourth van I’ve had stolen by a punk band! What is it with these assholes and their obsession with making off with my work vehicles to tour the country? If they needed a tour van, they should’ve done it the honest way and saved up for one working at the Home Depot for 15 years until they give up on their dreams like I did,” said Bob Stillwater. “It feels like every time I leave Costco some patch-wearing little shits are tossing guitars into the back of my van as they peel out of the parking lot, just to play six dive bars and then ditch it behind a strip club in Michigan. I’m financially ruined!”
The band’s label head made it clear he has nothing to do with how touring acts procure their transportation.
“We’re not one of those big fancy labels like Sub Pop that can throw money around. We give every act around $1,000 and a fake license plate and tell them to make it work. So yeah, I’m well aware most of our touring bands’ rides are hot,” said Joe Diamond. “Hurt Vonnegut showed some real initiative to kick off the tour and keep us in the black. They have a bright future ahead of them, so long as nobody talks to the cops.”
As of press time, the band was able to reduce expenses further after stealing spare tires and gas from a Walmart auto center.