CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — Local landlord Larry McNulty was compelled to raise rent to cover the ever-rising cost of never doing anything whatsoever, confirmed sources who were already looking for a new place to live.
“It’s expensive sitting on your ass all day,” said the cash-strapped McNulty. “My rental properties only generate $35,000 a month, which is barely enough to cover my house, vacation home, three cars, yacht, and horse stabling fees. If I don’t raise rent, it’s going to become more and more difficult to ignore the maintenance requests I receive. It’s an extremely hard job that I have to do. Sure, I contract out almost everything and still make an absurd amount of money. But with the economy the way it is, I can barely afford my private jet.”
The plight of the landlord did not go unnoticed by his many residents.
“I feel really bad for Larry,” explained cash-hoarding renter and mechanic Tanya Pozner. “I work 10 hours a day, but he’s working 24 hours thinking about which contractor to hire that will do the least amount of work possible. My fridge has been broken for three months. Do you know how hard it is for him to have to see my requests to fix it every single day? If I had to guess, he can barely afford toilet paper and is using my requests to wipe his ass instead. I hope he doesn’t give me my deposit back. Maybe that will help him support his Fabergé egg collection.”
The landlord poverty crisis has become so bad that the government has begun stepping in.
“We want to create a safety net for our country’s oppressed landlords,” said Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Scott Turner. “I am creating a national relief fund that will allow landlords to take no interest loans to cover the immense burden of owning dozens of properties. For too long have they been forced to accept meagre rents in exchange for the hard work of… wait a second. Hold on. Come back to me on this, I’ll figure it out.”
At press time, McNulty broke down crying when he realized that he could no longer afford his daily saffron enema.