A relationship has been confirmed as “officially over” when a woman robbed her former lover at gunpoint. This is a repeat offender who has pillaged the home of every man she’s dated upon being questioned about “defining the relationship.” She is a risk to her community and specifically to any man who thinks he can be the one to tie her down, as she may steal his heart but she will also steal all his belongings.
“I don’t know, man, I thought things were good. She’s hot. We liked all the same things, like food and TV, and stuff. She listens to my music and doesn’t make me listen to hers. I was like damn I need to make this girl wifey.” Jay Keeting told reporters. “So I asked, ‘What are we?’ She muttered something about all the stuff I owned, and did I really need to own her too? Next thing I know, there’s a gun in my face and she’s telling me to get on the ground. She took so much shit, man! My Theragun, my Samsung frame, my turntable.”
Philippa Peete was quick to confirm the incident. “No, it’s so bad I know. But listen, this doesn’t happen when I date women, only men. As soon as they get all weird and commitment-y, I panic, and the adrenaline gives me the urge to rob them.” When asked if anything else had provoked this, she added, “I mean, no. I guess it’s just easier to rob them. And the more time I spend with a man, the less I like him, and the more I like his stuff. It’s science or something, I swear.”
Upon further investigation, Philippa’s ex-boyfriend, Carl Ludwig, evidently took precautions against her burglary habit, “She’s fucking crazy, dude. And like, all my exes are crazy, but she’s extra crazy. We broke up and got back together so many times, I had to start padlocking my cabinets and drawers. But then she got a bolt cutter and that was the end!” He did, however, assure us that she does not carry a gun. “It’s not a gun. It’s a power drill that kind of looks like a gun, so she can unmount stuff on your walls.”
At press time, Philippa is dating a woman and enjoying what she refers to as the “fruits of her labor” in trying to date men.