VATICAN CITY – The Holy See Press Office announced that Pope Francis chose the calming embrace of death rather than experience any additional time spent on this Earthly plane of existence in the presence of United States Vice President, JD Vance.
“He did everything he could to avoid the meeting. We feared such an encounter would drain whatever love for life and physical stamina the Holy Father had left,” shared Cardinal Angelo Poppavilla while trying to cleanse the Vatican of any remnants of Vice President Vance. “It was like interacting with a human blackhole, completely exhausting, an utter sap of energy. We tried to say he was busy, but Vance insisted. Francis played up the sickness, sitting on his thermometer, loudly coughing behind closed doors, but to no avail. We even thought of announcing paint renovations or a terrorist threat, yet still, nothing deterred Vance.”
Official Vatican doctor Dr. Luigi Midiciano corroborates reports of the deleterious meeting on Pope Francis’s health.
“With every minute in Vance’s taxing presence, Il Papa grew more faint,” shared Dr. Midiciano while conferring with the Roman medical community. “His vital signs fell immediately, almost like a magnetic response, in direct correspondence with JD’s harmful presence. This unbearable man, he is like human kryptonite. I could see with my own eyes: after their handshake, His Holiness was so pale that he blended into his robes, his soul hovering somewhere more pleasant, astral-projecting above the room just to survive. The Pontiff looked like a deflated Michelin Man.”
Vice President Vance was seen fuming in the halls of the Vatican, angered at their cosmically truncated encounter.
“Talk about being completely undermined. I bet it’s cuz he’s from South America. That’s where a lot of our illegals come from, ya know? So we can see where his loyalties lie. Also, they’re wildly unhealthy down there, so I’m not surprised,” snorted Vance while checking military plans on Signal. “That’s OK. I’ll just circle back to him within God’s glorious kingdom of Heaven. Of course, that’s assuming this queer-loving pro-migrant radical Pope isn’t burning in Hell with his fellow libs. Besides, he never once said ‘Thank you’ for my visit. Complete abomination of a so-called spiritual leader.”
Urged to leave the premises by Vatican officials, Vice President Vance announced a trip to the Himalayas for an impromptu meeting with the Dalai Lama.