Are you a man over 30 with a little tummy and weird patches of overgrown body hair sprouting from your torso? Are you tired of showing these parts of your body off to the entire waiting room at Pep Boys because you thought you could just nonchalantly remove your sweatshirt? We’ve been led to believe that this is simply the way the world works. Your nipples will be readily available to all passersby. One man, however, dared to dream differently.
Blake Kidder is a man of simple means. The Duluth, MN native and elevator repairman took his sweatshirts off 2 nipples at a time just like the rest of us. As he puts it, “There was a time when sweatshirt issues were ruining my life. Whether it was a job interview or volunteering at St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital, sooner or later my shitty little tummy and hairy nips would be on full display again.”
Blake officially hit rock bottom in the Fall of 2024, when he got into a fist fight with his waiter at Bob Evans, who assumed he was coming onto him when he tried to remove his sweatshirt in the middle of ordering his meal. Facing misdemeanor assault, he was running out of options. He could tuck his t-shirt into his pants when he wears sweatshirts but then he’d look like a total fucking idiot. He could try dieting and exercise to mitigate the shame but that sounds like it would fucking suck! Of course, he could stop wearing sweatshirts altogether but as a 38 year-old man wearing sweatshirts is all that he had left.
Then, the unthinkable happened. March 21st, 2025. It was the day of Blake’s hearing and he was feeling a little warm. With nothing left to lose, he began to remove his best Volcom sweatshirt to a hushed courtroom. With a series of choreographed hand maneuvers and furtive shirt-tugs, Blake successfully removed his sweatshirt without baring his breasts and in under four minutes no less. The courtroom erupted in applause as the Bob Evans waiter was escorted out in handcuffs. Case dismissed.
Bob is currently serving an 18 month prison sentence for his assault, but let’s separate the art from the artist here. Bob, you’re a hero to self conscious men with nipples everywhere, and they can never take that from you!