Bro, you know that guy I work with? The one who is always taking off his clothes and smearing his face with blackberry juice? It turns out he’s the baby on the cover of that Goo Goo Dolls album, A Boy Named Goo. He’s gonna be at this party tonight. Oh, and he goes by Goobert now. He thinks he’s all grown up!
I think he’s getting a promotion at the office. His productivity has been through the roof. HR keeps telling him to clean his face and put on a shirt, but he just doesn’t listen. The higher-ups can’t argue with Goobert’s track record. It’s like he’s made of blackberry-stained Teflon. So we have to make a good impression at this party. Goobert may be my boss soon.
If he gets a promotion, maybe he’ll get his own office. He sucks to share a cubicle with. Sometimes he’ll just blast that Goo Goo Dolls song “Name” in the office and point to the vinyl copy of A Boy Named Goo that sits on his desk. He did write on it with paint markers so it now reads “A Boy Named GooBERT.” I swear I saw a Johnny Rzeznik wig in a drawer once. But don’t forget, he doesn’t let people call him Goo anymore, only Goobert.
I was up for that promotion, too. But they told me I play it too safe, I follow the rules a little too much. I get what they see in Goobert; he’s a man who knows what he wants, which is taking off his shirt and staining his face with blackberry juice. It’s a good power move in meetings. But the carpet at work looks like a murder scene. When he moves out of the cubicle, I’m gonna look like a serial killer.
If we see him at this party Goodbert may tell you blackberry juice has nootropic properties and that he gets a rash if he wears a shirt but I think he’s just wants you to go, Oh, you’re the kid on the Goo Goo Dolls album, A Boy Named Goo,” and he’ll go, “It’s Goobert now.”
And he’s in the running to be my manager. If only I’d been the Bee Girl from the Blind Melon album, she’s moving up the corporate ladder. It’s too bad I’m just the cigarette-smoking angel baby from Van Halen’s 1984 album.