WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump delayed the annual White House Easter Egg Roll a in order to allow time to thank all the corporate sponsors who are making the event possible, confirmed multiple sources in fresh Comcast gear confirmed.
“Just weeks after making a historic deal with TD Bank to rebrand The White House, and this was a great deal people, one of the best deals in the history of America. A lot of people are saying historians love the deal and want to put it in books, I’m proud to announce that Verizon Wireless has agreed to sponsor this year’s Easter Egg Roll,” said the President wearing a Tesla hat and jacket. “In honor of this partnership, I’ve signed an executive order declaring the word ‘egg’ will now be spelled with five ‘g’s like Verizon’s lightning-fast 5G network. We love 5g, right folks? Now, let’s get these eggs rolling like Verizon rolls your minutes over from month to month with their new Unlimited Plus plan!”
Attendees of the inaugural TD Bank White House Easter Egg Roll sponsored by Verizon Wireless had mixed feelings about the President’s announcement.
“Usually, they give the kids a wooden egg as a souvenir, but this year, thanks to Verizon, they gave out brand new iPads, which is awesome,” said Buck Johnson, a parent at the event. “I just wish the iPads didn’t come pre-installed with Truth Social and ads for My Pillow. We’ve only had the thing an hour, and my eight-year-old daughter is already afraid an alien is going to beam into our house and eat her cat. I tried telling her they didn’t mean that kind of alien, and she just narrowed her eyes at me and called me a Soros plant, whatever the hell that means.”
Terri Barclay, the journalist behind the popular leftist Substack newsletter “Terri Tells It,” expressed her exasperation at the administration’s newest stunt.
“TD Bank White House, Verizon Egg Roll, what’s next? Frito-Lay presents the Doritos State of the Union?” said Barclay. “The White House Easter Egg Roll has been a tradition since 1878, and up until now, no president has ever successfully privatized it. Reagan got close in ‘87, but then he came to his senses and realized Lisa Frank eggs would look too garish on camera. Trump, on the other hand, doesn’t care about anything but money. He’d sell his own children if he could make a profit. I’m not kidding. He’s reportedly been trying to sell Eric to Pfizer as a human test subject for years now!”
At press time, Senator Cory Booker announced he would be cancelling a scheduled 48-hour speech on the Senate floor to protest Trump’s recent actions so he can be the keynote speaker at the Goldman Sachs shareholder event.