WAUSAU, Wis. — The products for sale at local thrash metal band Hellhund’s merch table reportedly looked more like a garage sale, confirmed sources currently checking out a 15-year-old silverware set.
“The band was okay, I guess, but what really caught my eye was the variety at their merch table,” reported concertgoer Jim Letter before asking the price of a bowling pin table lamp he was interested in. “Usually it’s some crappy printed t-shirt that doesn’t fit right, or a beer koozie. These guys are way ahead of their time, even for a bargain bandit like me. I managed to snag a gently used elliptical and even some yarn for my wife. Everything was so affordable that I even have enough money leftover to buy a $14 beer.”
Hellhund admitted that they financially struggled before diversifying their merch table.
“We weren’t making much money from our shows so our manager, my mom, came up with the revolutionary idea of selling some of our old stuff. So far it’s been a hit,” detailed drummer Roy Evans. “Now we’re packing the bars for our shows, the crowd loves us and people are moshing in the pit with antique vases. It’s so metal. I just hope my grandma doesn’t show up to our shows and see her jewelry for sale.”
Veteran band King Sludge’s merch guy Sean Callahan was clearly jealous of Hellhund’s popularity.
“I don’t really get how they’re selling so much merchandise,” Callahan explained. “Their line is always filled after the show despite us being the headliners. King Sludge has been filling this place for years, our sound blows people away, and our logo is way cooler, so I don’t understand. We’ve got shirts for $69.99, key chains for $35.99, and one of a kind pins for $45 apiece. What do they have, some hand painted mugs? They’ve never even been cheered on enough for an encore. It seems like the crowd can’t wait for the concert to be over. Wait a minute, is that our singer leaving their table and why does he have a patio set?”
As of writing, Hellhund is currently unloading their U-Haul rental and making plans to hire a moving company to focus on their next single, “Thrift to Thrill.”