OCEAN TOWNSHIP, N.J. — Tilly, a haunted Victorian era doll recently donated to a local Goodwill, is on the cusp of tormenting the souls of every employee in the store after being priced at a paltry $4.99, frightened shoppers have reported.
“This feckless laborer knows nothing! I have not spent 200 years in this vessel, devouring countless souls and driving people to the brink of insanity to only end up priced cheaper than something called a ‘Hard Rock Cafe Denver margarita glass.’ He could have at least put me in the glass display cabinet with the cursed jewelry,” said Tilly. “Does this buffoon not sense my aura? I am evil incarnate, and I can float. This is real dead child’s blood on my dress, not ketchup or whatever he assumed. But no, someone saw to it that I am equals with an old keyboard.”
The Goodwill employee who assessed Tilly’s value did not see an issue with the price tag.
“I think one of my coworkers is playing a prank on me because I keep hearing someone whisper that I’m a cheapskate but when I turn around there’s no one there. I have a tried and true method of pricing our donations. For instance the creepy ass doll that came in earlier reeks of sulfur and its eyes blink intermittently,” said Randy Paulson. “Frankly I’d price it lower, but apparently it has a voice box which I didn’t think existed for a doll this old. Somebody clearly has an issue with my appraisal because it keeps mysteriously appearing amongst more expensive stuff like knives and sharp power tools.”
Experts noted that haunted objects need to be handled much differently from other donations.
“Yeah, see the problem is that since haunted objects are sentient, they also have an ego. All it takes is one hapless store clerk slapping a clearance tag on a demonic stuffed animal to set them off on a killing spree,” said auction house owner Debra Hollis. “Dolls like Tilly belong in their natural habitat, specifically in forgotten rooms of old antique shops or at estate sales in dilapidated mansions where all of the inhabitants were driven mad. It’s best to pay top dollar and then store them away before they kill you in your sleep.”
As of press time, Tilly possessed Paulson in order to change her price tag to $666, saying “I’m worth it, dammit.”