WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump decided on a whim to pardon former Subway spokesperson and confessed serial child molester Jared Fogle, sadly unsurprised sources report.
“It was a pretty slow day today,” said Trump. “Elon’s taking care of most of the work, so I just watched Fox News and ate McDonald’s all morning. I remembered I needed to do something that flexes my presidential muscle so people wouldn’t forget who’s boss, so I pardoned that Subway guy. He seems like a nice enough guy despite those little child predator charges. I mean, the guy managed to convince the whole country that a 12-inch meatball sub is somehow healthy, so I admire his ability to lie under pressure. I also can’t fault him for the sex offenses, either. They didn’t happen under my presidency so they don’t even count.”
Fogle was perhaps the most surprised at the pardon.
“I would’ve campaigned for Trump had I known this was going to happen,” said Fogle as he prepared to leave his prison in Jefferson County, Colorado. “I was actually pretty accustomed to my life behind bars, so now I’m unsure what I’m going to do. Being a Subway spokesperson and showing my former pants on national television are literally my only skills, and I sincerely doubt that place is going to hire me again. Maybe I’ll see if Jersey Mike’s or Firehouse Subs are looking for people to star in their commercials, or, at the very least, hire me as a crew member at one of their locations around here.”
Senior South Carolina senator Lindsay Graham reacted to the latest bit of news he’d be forced to defend.
“This had to happen right before my CNN interview,” Graham sighed as he stared dead-eyed at the wall of his office. “At least if it was on Fox News they wouldn’t even bring it up, but I just know Kaitlan Collins is going to ask me about it. Maybe I could mention Fogle’s past focus on child fitness and say his release is a net positive for society? Ugh, I don’t know. I got into politics because I sincerely believed in conservative ideology. Never in a million years did I think I would be defending a child predator because a talk show host-turned president needlessly pardoned him from prison.”
At press time, Trump decided to make Fogle the new Secretary of Education.