TAMPA, Fla. — Local curmudgeon John McCallister loudly revealed that he believed wheelchair ramps are woke, despite once being capable of love and empathy as a child, confirmed sources gradually turning their chairs away from him.
“There’s no way in Hell I can sit back and watch as everyone has equitable access to a building,” said McCallister. “If God wanted us to walk on a slant, he wouldn’t have paved our roads. The founding fathers liked stairs and perfectly horizontal floors and nothing else. It’s all just entitled Millennials who want to change all stairs into ramps like they want to change all girls into boys and all boys into more ramps. Mostly I blame DEI for this ramp epidemic.”
Sally Dean, McCallister’s ex-wife, says that when they met, he was full of wonder and joy but gradually succumbed to awfulness.
“We were married for 15 years,” said Dean, who lives in California and doesn’t take McCallister’s calls. “Once John decided that not dying of COVID was woke, we split up and he’s only gotten worse, saying that sandwiches, hurricanes, the Kansas City Chiefs, prepositions, and email auto-replies are all woke. He used to actually smile. But then he said that was lib crap. It’s like he sees sociopathy as a strength.”
Abel Foley, a child psychologist, sees this kind of behavior all the time in men who used to be children capable of compassion but are now terrified that everything is changing and will somehow harm them.
“John is one of many,” said Foley, who has recently been treating more man-children than actual children. “A kid sees the world as something pure and good with some scary bits on the fringes, like the Boogeyman or whatever is hiding underneath the bed. Once they grow up and start listening to Rogan and watching Fox News, those scary bits take over and the next minute they’re worried that wiping their asses properly makes them gay. Eventually, we’ll hit the woke singularity and these men will implode into miniature black holes, which is for the best of society.”
At press time, McCallister declared that subtitles on movies and TV shows are woke, even though he desperately needs them himself.