LITTLETON, N.H. — A recent release of a limited edition “GG Allin Chia Pet” elicited a mixed reaction due to the rather unconventional set of growing instructions, horrified sources report.
“Originally we started with a Hulk Hogan model, but there were a lot of complaints about the reduction of surface area that was being used. We then pivoted to a fine art theme, but test audiences found the Van Gogh model to be ‘haunting’ due to the realistic gaping ear wound on the one side,” said Bryce Liggins, designer at Chia. “But then bam, it hit me–what if we could create a model where the gardener could literally put themselves into the design. Naturally, we went with GG Allin, and the rest is history. You can’t make a fecal pitch without GG Allin.”
While users seem to adore the product, the people they share their homes with skew more negative.
“Shit. There was human shit in our kitchen. I couldn’t figure out the smell so I took the trash out, cleaned out the drain and checked all the mouse traps,” Christian Bach, a roommate of one of the first users lamented. “Then I noticed a scarred up chia pet sitting next to my spider plant, smeared with shit and seeds. Who would do that? How do you get it out of the toilet, and what do you use to apply it? The company that came up with a cute hedgehog and Bob Ross chia pets has now switched to GG fucking Allin! The target market for this can’t possibly be big enough to justify its existence.”
Jerry Cavill, an interior decorator who specializes in punk and gore, was ecstatic with the home décor addition.
“GG Allin is a huge influence on my work. I tell customers to ‘mutilate’ their banisters and trim with a razor blade for a fun distressed look,” said Cavill gleefully. “When someone’s kitchen is feeling a little too blah, I always tell them that blood is the perfect pop of color for cabinetry accents and pulls. Your house was already built with bones, give it a little bit of bodily fluids of any kind, and now your house is a home, a living home!”
As of press time, rumors speculate that the designer wasn’t an actual employee but a crust punk who wandered in after dumpster diving behind the Chia offices.