CHICAGO — Party officials running the Democratic National Convention in Chicago asked for increased security after they learned Dave Matthews returned to Chicago with his tour bus and parked it just blocks from the United Center, multiple moderate sources confirmed.
“This is Code Red as far as I’m concerned. The Dave Matthews Band are responsible for one of the most heinous acts of terror this fine city has ever seen. We will not have a repeat of that under my watch,” said DNC chair Jaime Harrison. “This city is still scarred by the Great Chicago Fire, the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, and that time the Dave Matthews Band tour bus dumped gallons of feces off a bridge and right onto a boat. We are keeping a close eye on the bus, and we have Secret Service officers trailing all band members to get an idea of what their diet is looking like while they are in town. If anyone orders deep dish from Vicenzo’s then we will know they are planning something diabolical.”
Matthews assured people in the vicinity of the bus that they have nothing to worry about.
“Our elected officials are making average citizens complicit in the deaths of tens of thousands of innocent civilians in Gaza and it has to stop,” said the Grammy Award-winning musician. “I’m here to make my voice heard. And if the Democrats continue along this path then maybe I’ll eat a pint of ice cream and forget to take my Lactaid. After I’m done with them this time the 2004 incident will seem like nothing more than an innocent wet fart. I just hate to have to do this to a venue where Jordan dominated for so many years. But it’s what needs to be done.”
Political Scientist Eli Wrightford believes more celebrities should be standing up to push the Democratic party further left.
“If you have celebrities like Beyoncé and Taylor Swift just cosigning everything the Democrats do then the party brass will carry on with the status quo. We need these A-list celebrities to collect buckets of human waste and threaten to dump it over anyone that continues to fund the killing of innocent civilians in Gaza,” said Wrightford. “Dave Matthews is the only person brave enough to use his platform for good while also threatening to dump shit on people. I never thought I’d say this, but we need more people like Dave Matthews.”
At press time, Matthews was seen polishing off five Chicago-style hot dogs and washing it down with a black coffee.