America’s bizarre fascination with cartoon cats has existed for the entirety of our country’s existence, originating with a tortie that Alexander Hamilton doodled in the margins of Federalist No. 78. Since then, the history of the United States has been inextricably tied to cartoon cats, for better or worse.
No one can argue that the assassination of John Fitzgerald Kennedy, the 35th President and a guy who talked really funny, was not a dark, pivotal tragedy for this country. However, despite decades of conspiracy theories and Kevin Costner films, few people know just how many cartoon cats were involved in that fateful day in Dallas.
25. Tom Cat
No concrete evidence that Tom Cat, the constant enemy/muse of Jerry Mouse, was involved in the death by gunshot of JFK has ever emerged. That’s because this sorry excuse of a housecat has never been able to successfully get rid of a single rodent, let alone assist in the assassination of a world leader. Tom Cat is nothing but a liability.
24. Pink Panther
The Pink Panther has a certain, shall we say, lightness of paw that might make one suspect that he is an associate of Clay Bertrand, the nom de frivolité of Claw Shaw, the only individual brought to trial over the killing of Kennedy. But it is a matter of record that the Pink Panther was exclusively involved in the Galveston and Arlington kink scenes and was not connected to the New Orleans playground, which may have some mysterious tie to the conspiracy.
23. Luna
Luna, the boon companion of Usagi Tsukino, AKA Sailor Moon, has many secrets and is the de facto coordinator of the Sailor Guardians, a dangerously unregulated paramilitary group if there ever was one. However, Luna was in a deep slumber in 1963 after the fall of the Moon Kingdom during the Silver Millenium, so, obviously, there is no way she could have arranged the assassination of a U.S. President at that point.
22. Azrael
While Azrael, the cat companion of the wizard Gargamel, is certainly smart and wicked enough to be involved in the JFK shooting, both he and his master will never be distracted from their quest to catch those wretched Smurfs. They hate those Smurfs!
21. Cheshire Cat
This guy’s a fucking weirdo, but he’s apolitical. Besides, he’s British.
20. Figaro
If anyone from Pinocchio would be involved in the death of Jack Kennedy, it would be Geppetto, not his cat Figaro. Think about it: the American Mafia has long been rumored to killed him as a reaction to the crackdown on organized crime by Robert Kennedy, the President’s Attorney General and younger brother. Think about it: Mafia. Geppetto. Italian. The cat is an accessory, at most.
19. Stimpy
Multiple witnesses reported the presence of a bloated, red-and-white, anthropomorphic Manx cat in the chaos after shots rang out in Dealey Plaza, which has been tentatively identified as Stimpson “Stimpy” J. Cat. According to the executors of his estate, however, he was merely in Dallas on a business trip. We may never know.
18. Garfield
November 25, 1963. John Fitzgerald Kennedy is laid to rest in Arlington National Cemetery. The day of the week: Monday. Garfield hates Mondays. Coincidence?
17. Cat in the Hat
Notorious anarchist and cultural malcontent Cat in the Hat (born Gerald Romney Radziwill) consistently denied allegations that he had met with Lee Harvey Oswald in Mexico in October 1963, despite photographs of him regularly entering the Soviet embassy in Mexico City during that time. The Cat was executed by electric chair in 1977, never having admitted to any culpability.
16. Danny
Danny, an ambitiously naive cat from Indiana who just wanted to be a dancer in the bright lights of Hollywood, despite the well-known fact that cats don’t dance, is a strange player in the tangle of JFK theories. Was he just in the wrong place at the wrong time when Jean Hill saw him leaving the grassy knoll? Was his subsequent career as a producer at Warner Bros. Pictures connected to the presence of future superstar Bill Paxton in the Dallas crowd? We’re getting potentially libelous here, so we’ll move on.
15. Felix the Cat
Felix’s career as an early Hollywood star had hit the skids by 1963. The advent of talkies ruined the cat and forced him into bankruptcy, leading to his eventual homelessness and rumors that he had become a railroad hobo. Felix was arrested alongside Gus Abrams, Harold Doyle, and John Gedney, the so-called “three tramps,” and released four days later. He was never seen again.
14. Sylvester
Sylvester the Cat is best known for his association with Tweety Bird, which has frequently overshadowed his longtime friendship with Texas socialite Lady Bird Johnson. Johnson became First Lady upon the ascension of Vice President Lyndon Johnson. Johnson was a powerful figure in Texas and reportedly, Kennedy planned to replace him as a running mate in the next election. JFK was killed in Texas. Keep pulling that thread. Eventually, the whole thing will unravel.
13. Heathcliff
Heathcliff’s ties to the Cuban aristocracy have been thoroughly discussed elsewhere, so we will merely ask this question: why was Kennedy buried with a fully-intact fish skeleton, such as a tubby orange cat might extract from its mouth in a single audible gulp? Is America a lie?
12. Snagglepuss
Snagglepuss may be one of the brightest stars in the Hanna-Barbera stable, but we should not forget that he was also a highly decorated veteran of the Korean War as part of the Marine Corps. This pink, extremely fey cat was awarded the now-retired Army Expert Rifle Marksmanship Badge in 1954. In 1956, he personally scored a young Marine a 212, qualifying him as a sharpshooter. That Marine’s name: Heavens to Murgatroyd, Lee Harvey Oswald?!
11. Oliver
This tabby kitten was part of a criminal gang of animals in New York City, whose exploits were scored by Billy Joel. What, do we have to draw you a fucking map to JFK?
10. Tiger
Kennedy assassination scholars hypothesize that Tiger was radicalized by Fievel Mousekewitz, a Russian emigre and a pro-union zealot. Like many feeble-minded, Dom DeLuise-like cats, he was easily bent to the will of vast, shadowy forces that wanted to see the light of American democracy dimmed. Long story short, he was a commie and thus guilty of something.
9. Salem Saberhagen
Salem Saberhagen has seen the rise and fall of American dynasties from the Mayflower to the Biden Administration. While most theories of JFK’s assassination hinge on political plots, who are we to discount the idea that it was necromancy afoot that day in Dallas?
8. SWAT Kats
Jake “Razor” Clawson and Chance “T-Bone” Furlong disobeyed commands by Megakat City’s Enforcer Headquarters to cease their pursuit of Dark Kat, an influential donor to the Kennedy campaign and a personal friend of Joseph P. Kennedy, resulting in them being dishonorably charged. At this point, ballistics evidence of the JFK shooting is hopelessly contaminated, but we cannot discount that the behavior of the so-called “magic bullet” is consistent with the abilities of their totally awesome Turbokat jet fighter.
7. Fritz the Cat, Secret Agent for the C.I.A.
Look, Fritz may fuck around with sex workers and cocaine, but when it comes to defending against a pinko like Kennedy, he’s your man.
6. Tony the Tiger
Tony the Tiger and WK Kellogg Co.’s team of attornies have informed us that any insinuation that he may have had anything to do with the JFK assassination will result in swift legal action. We regret his inclusion on this list.
5. Lucifer
Okay, we don’t have anything to tie Lucifer, the pet cat of Cinderella’s stepmother to the JFK assassination. But just look at him! He looks so evil! He must have had something to do with it!
4. The Aristocats Kittens
Berlioz, Marie, and Toulouse, the scions of the Parisian Bonfamille family, are documented as losing a bid against Joseph Kennedy for the ownership of Merchandise Mart, the vast Chicago commercial building that was once the largest building in the world and a key financial element of JFK’s campaign funds. If you go against a Bonfamille, expect to pay a heavy price.
3. Hello Kitty
Kitty White, alias Hello Kitty, alias Mariska Laufty, alias Francesa Storbman, alias Good Kitty, alias Marina White, has never been formally charged with any crime connected to the JFK assassination. Nevertheless, it bears noting that a tuft of fur found in the Texas School Book Depository was seized by the Japanese government in after DNA tracing became available in 1993.
2. Fat Cat
Fat Cat, the pet feline of crime lord Aldrin Klordane, was recorded by an undercover FBI agent in a Baltimore nightclub one night in 1978, drunkenly boasting, “We did that Catholic bog-eater in good, didn’t we [REDACTED]? Fucking Oliver Stone!” A RICO plea deal rendered the recording inadmissible in court, and Fat Cat has been in the Witness Protection Program since 1981.
1. Top Cat
Nothing in this country happens without the permission of Top Cat, whether it’s putting a cigar in Officer Dribble’s sandwich or the death of the president. That’s why he’s Top Cat.