NEW MILFORD, Conn. — Experimental grindcore outfit Invasive Eel announced a 19-track full-length album to be released exclusively on a Tiger Electronics “HitClips” cartridge, nostalgia-fueled sources confirmed.
“Finally, we’ll be sold alongside our musical heroes like Destiny’s Child, Michelle Branch, and Shaggy” enthused Invasive Eel guitarist Barn Webster, as he jangled his keys adorned with other HitClips cartridges. “In fact, we bet all of them are just as excited to be in the same catalog as ‘Abattoir Entrail Exhumer’ as we are to be within the ranks of that A-Teens cover of ‘Dancing Queen.’ To be honest with you, we’re pretty nervous about hitting that gargantuan 60-second mark the HitClip technology affords us. What is this, a triple album? We ain’t no prog rock band!”
Representatives from Tiger Electronics were welcoming of the Invasive Eel release, if not a bit confused.
“Here I am, sitting in my office, when six ratty delinquents burst in despite my secretary’s protests, and say they want to release their album via HitClips or else they’ll pour goat’s blood all over my desk,” said Tiger Electronics president Gregor Maylond. “I saved a fortune in carpet cleaning by just putting out their damn record. Kids mostly end up accidentally swallowing these things anyway, so it’s all the same to me what music goes on ‘em. I admire their initiative, I really do. I just wish they’d stop asking me what’s become of Aaron Carter. I don’t have the heart to tell them.”
Elementary school teacher Geraldine Wembley offered her insight into how the youth of today are responding to the release.
“Well, first off, I’m torn between whether I should be happy or concerned with the increased instances of my fourth-graders coming up to me asking how to pronounce the word ‘abattoir.’ While it isn’t necessarily on the vocabulary list for our particular curriculum, it is indeed a good word to know,” said Ms. Wembley, who has been educating at Hill and Plain Elementary for 9 years. “These kids apparently think HitClips are ‘cool and vintage’ now. My god. We used to confiscate these things, along with BeyBlades and Pokemon cards and what have you, but I’ve since seen the educational value this grindcore group instills upon the youth of today. Plus, it’s really hard to understand what the lyrics are, so it’s really anyone’s guess as to whether it’s offensive or not.”
At press time, the band was heard discussing a follow-up release recorded on the “single slice of Lunchables pepperoni” format.