WASHINGTON — Top Democratic decision-makers are reportedly doing damage control after President Biden confessed to multiple murders on a hot mic after another damaging public appearance, multiple sources confirmed.
“We’ve all been having private conversations about whether or not he’s still fit to run ever since President Biden’s bad debate showing. Up until now our biggest concern was his mental acuity, now our biggest concern is the multiple brutal murders he openly admitted to,” said House Democratic leader Hakeem Jeffries while Googling “How easy to move to Portugal?” “But right now we are still firmly standing behind President Biden. He’s a good man, even if he did admit to murdering his own friends. If this were former President Trump he would pump a vagrant no one would believe full of Rohypnol and confess his sins to them in a soundproof chamber like he did every first and third Thursday of every month when he was in office.”
While this revelation has bolstered the voices of those already calling for Biden’s withdrawal, some experts are calling the leak good news for the current president.
“Conservatives simultaneously want you to believe that Biden is mentally unfit for office and that he was cunning enough to orchestrate three murders and pin them all on a prominent New York financier. It’s pure desperation,” said political analyst Stephen J. Myers. “American voters are far more concerned with inflation, home prices, and immigration. They do not care if their president dismembered someone and ditched their body in Galveston Bay. Besides, the Supreme Court made it legal for a President to do whatever the hell they want.”
Below is the full transcript of President Biden’s confession, his campaign is yet to respond.
“What the hell did I do? Yup, killed them all of course! Kathleen Durst, Susan Berman, Morris Black, hell cut that sucker up good. Iced all those turkeys, sure did, me and Cornpop! Hey, is this thing on?” The rest of the recording seems to be Biden attempting to rehearse the line “I am mentally competent enough to hold the office of the President” again and again before being shuffled away by an anonymous staffer.
At press time, Robert Kennedy Jr. released a statement saying his latest brain parasite forbids him from taking a human life, but does encourage him to set abandoned buildings on fire.