PITTSBURGH — Self-proclaimed audiophile Klein Drexel dismayed his longtime partner yesterday after getting himself stuck in the horn of his vintage Victrola yet again, sources confirmed amid the warm snaps and pops of a 78 rpm record playing as it happened.
“It may seem funny to you, but this has happened a few dozen times already and I’m frankly getting more than a little sick of it. Having to grab his little flailing legs as I try to pull him out is a total turn-off,” said Drexel’s girlfriend Katie McLefferts, before spitting on her hands, rubbing them together, and grasping Drexel’s calves. “The worst part is having to be so gentle and ginger with him as I yank, because he gets so miffed if the record skips. Say what you will about the evils of Spotify, but they certainly don’t make it so I have to pull my boyfriend out of a gigantic, old-timey metal cone every few days.”
Though he was hard to hear at the time, Drexel himself was reached for comment while in his predicament.
“Inconvenient as it may be, you gotta believe me that the acoustics in this horn are so good, it’s frankly quite glorious. I might not even want to be pulled out just yet! It’s just too beautiful! This! THIS is how big band music was meant to be heard, man! With your skull squeezed at the base of a gramophone cone,” said a muffled Drexel, totally oblivious to the exasperation of his long-suffering girlfriend. “If you ask me, it’s well worth the near-constant head trauma and inner ear damage! In fact, instead of pulling me out, can you throw on my copy of the Mississippi Mud Masher’s ‘Bring It On Home To Grandma’? Thanks!”
Not knowing the half of it, Drexel was inches away from falling into a literal Wonderland, just a bit deeper inside the Victrola.
“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t grateful that he didn’t fall so far to make me late for my very important date with the queen!” said the little rabbit in a suit hiding just past Drexel’s head. “There is a surrealistic land of sound and music jussssst past where this guy was able to fall, and thank goodness I don’t have to set him forth on a crazy adventure today, and I can just go about my business as normal. Which is not very normal here, but weird, in fact. You’d understand if you saw the place, but again, that whole thing has been avoided now since the guy’s head is so big. Anyhow, like I said, I’m LATE!”
After the incident, Drexel vowed to finally make the switch to AirPods, but promptly swallowed and choked on them.