AUGUSTA, Maine — Local man Brady Trontz was already telling rescuers about the radical benefits of cold plunges minutes after nearly freezing to death in a frozen pond, sources who kind of wished he had just died instead.
“I have to admit, I was a skeptic before,” said 23-year-old Brady Trontz. “But the second that freezing cold water hits every orifice of your body at once—and you get over the idea that you’re probably gonna die—you start to feel super powerful! Like, you could explain the plot of ‘Inception’ in one breath, and that’s just what I instinctively did to the kind people who rescued me. Of course, that was after I told them in full detail that submerging your entire body into freezing cold water can improve your immune system function. You know, until this moment, I thought people only did this stuff for ice bucket challenges, but I was wrong. You also do it to tell every person you come in contact with about how it decreases inflammation.”
Lindsey Ellison, an EMT, had simultaneously saved his life and received an earful of unwarranted information about cold plunges.
“When we finally got him warm he started getting super amped up. At first I thought it was adrenaline, but this was different. He started jumping up and down and doing a bunch of burpees and asking if we had any Alpha Brain,” said Ellison. “He told us he had a bad knee, but in that moment he seemed to think it was healed. Not long after he jumped back in the freezing pond and told us how accelerated his metabolism is going to be. I didn’t try to rescue him a second time. He didn’t seem to want to leave.”
Clinical psychologist Bailey Lawson noted that the benefits of cold plunges didn’t necessarily outweigh the drawbacks.
“It’s well-documented that a cold plunge can activate your parasympathetic nervous system and lower your heart rate, leading to increased alertness, improved mood, and an overwhelming degree of unearned confidence,” said Lawson. “When combined with a near-death experience, the levels of hubris simply go off the charts. This is particularly strong for single men under 50, with some people spending several months in this state. Next thing you know, they’re listening to Joe Rogan for lifestyle advice. That’s when you know they’re too far gone.”
At press time, Trontz stated that he was excited to get home so he could start working on his podcast studio, insisting that rescuers come by next month to record an episode together.