Once again you find yourself trapped in a Psychobilly Freakout and realize that it’s your last chance to escape before succumbing to a life where all your friends are fully-grown men who refer to themselves as cats. How did we get here? Maybe you were feeling nostalgic and replayed “Guitar Hero 2” only to discover that after 30 failed attempts of “Psychobilly Freakout” on Expert, you’re now so deep within the rockabilly scene that you’ve reached the point of no return. But it’s not too late! You don’t have to move to Encinitas, California and become a mechanic! Simply escape the psychobilly freakout using one of our tried and true methods.
Show Off Photos of Your Restored ’50s Convertible
The mob hopefully will then let you leave out of sheer respect for your ride. Beware that this can backfire though, and you very well could find yourself stuck facing off against multiple foes with soul patches in an on-the-spot car show while somehow still being trapped within the psychobilly freakout –like that movie Inception that we never understood, which is far worse.
Use a Pay Phone to Call Your Much Younger Girlfriend Sporting Black Bangs and Excessive Tattoos Saying Daddy-O Needs Rescuing Pronto
Just keep in mind you may have to bribe her with an offer to buy more bandanas or polka dot dresses that are way more expensive than they have any right to be. Sure, you’re already broke from driving a car that gets 5 miles per gallon and buying copious amounts of hair grease weekly, but hell—this could be your only ticket out of this pompadour hellhole after all, so don’t be stingy.
Smoke ‘em if you’ve got ’em
And by that we mean fucking all of them. Smoke so many damn throwback Lucky Strike cigarettes that you set off the fire alarm, using sprinklers to drown out the ‘50s surf guitar just long enough for the crowd to thin out and for you to beam your way to the malt shop just in time for your big date with Sally Williams, her dad’s wishes be damned.
Tell Everyone You’re Just Here to See Johnny Napalm
How were you supposed to know you were walking into an Eddie Knox show instead? Shout this repeatedly while forcing your way out and hopefully the crowd of wannabe Johnny Bravos will know you were expecting to hear a performance of ‘Search and Destroy’ instead of some deranged Dick Dale revival shit and obviously, therefore, don’t belong in the same room as these cat-calling animals.
Say a Quick Prayer to the Reverend Horton Heat
Rumor has it his psychobilly powers include to the ability to part a crowd akin to the way Moses parted the Red Sea. Sure, we only overheard this from a dude sporting an old leather jacket in between him asking for change to play jailhouse tunes on the ol’ jukebox at Smitty’s dive bar, but if you’ve tried step one through four already—what the fuck else do you have to lose?