AUSTIN, Texas — Aging punk Bryce Horn is preparing for doomsday by backing up his collection of “rare” MP3s to an external hard drive amid fears of societal collapse, neighboring sources confirmed.
“This all started when I realized I couldn’t listen to Filmmaker or Tears of Avarel on Spotify. I had to figure out how to import local files. It wouldn’t work on my phone. It was a nightmare and a real wake-up call for me,” said Horn, as a progress bar reflected on his face. “It got me thinking: what if civilization crumbles and I can’t get to my Dropbox account? I started making backups right then and there. I know I can survive without food for a bit. I’ve skipped lunch at work a few times, but imagine going a whole day without listening to Wafflehouse*. I just don’t think I’d make it.”
Jayla Park, a longtime friend of Horn’s, is concerned about this behavior.
“We’re all a little worried about the world ending these days, but I’m more worried that Bryce’s response has been trying to find a Jazz drive on eBay. I’m not saying music isn’t important, but maybe he can add a few MREs to his cart too,” said Park. “I’m no prepper, but I believe in basic survival, like the generator I just bought. I thought it’d be for disasters, but living in Texas, I actually use it all the time. Honestly, Bryce does most of the file transferring here because his power goes out so much.”
Heath Farmer, who lives down the street from Horn, has been ready for the end for a long time.
“Sure, I’ve seen what he’s up to. I keep tabs on everyone around here. That’s actually my plan: I just keep a tally of my neighbors’ food supplies while I build my arsenal,” said Farmer, stroking a shotgun. “I kind of get it, wanting to save your favorite songs and stuff. I’ve got an old copy of ‘Twister’ on VHS in the bunker in case I ever get bored. I don’t think Bryce is going to make it long on just tunes, but I’ll give him this: he’s certainly the last neighbor I’ll be robbing blind.”
At press time, Horn was seen copying social media passwords from his iMac’s password manager into a notebook in case he lost power again.