TERRE HAUTE, Ind. — Nearly all of the speakers at the service for deceased punk Jeremy Wiggins reported that he’d passed away still owing them various sums of money, sources report.
“Mom and Dad invited anyone who had something they wanted to share about Jeremy to come up and speak, and at first I was excited by how many people jumped up,” the deceased’s sister Megan Wiggins stated. “But, the more people spoke, I couldn’t help noticing that he was kind of owing money all over town. They all had a story about how he’d stiffed them or something. I’m not sure if we’re meant to pay them or if it’ll come out of his insurance policy, but I can guarantee you that I have jack shit to contribute myself.”
Attendees noted they were just hinting at a recurring pattern of behavior as opposed to seeking repayment.
“Jeremy’s brother gave like $13 after I mentioned he never repaid me the $200 for gas and shit when our band toured back in 2011,” noted Charlie “Shank” Shankins, a former bandmate of Wiggins. “I wasn’t angling to get the money back, but it was a nice gesture since that had been starting to become a source of contention between us. Given some of what was said today, if I didn’t know that he died trying to skitch on the interstate, I’d have assumed someone here might have offed him.”
Funeral director Bob Hooper was spotted attempting to track down one of Wiggins’ next of kin.
“I get that the family is grieving, and not that I don’t trust them, it’s just that in this case, I’d rather get the bill settled sooner rather than later,” Hooper sheepishly admitted. “Just because their son was a complete deadbeat doesn’t necessarily mean that they are as well, it’s just that I guess that behavior is learned. I’ve been trying to talk to someone from the family for the last hour, but every time I’ve spotted one of them, they seem to be surrounded by people trying to settle up some debt. I almost hate to say it, but I might need to go back to my mafia roots here and send someone to start breaking kneecaps to get paid.”
At press time, the service came to an abrupt end when collection agents arrived to repossess the casket.