LOS ANGELES — Dead Kennedy’s superfan Mike Luger was in for a surprise today after he discovered that his new Jello Biafra GPS voice was still talking even though he had arrived at his destination an hour ago, the frustrated man confirmed.
“When I downloaded the new Jello Biafra GPS, I was stoked—I got driving directions and enjoyed scathing social commentary on yuppie Tesla drivers and Wall Street scum during my commute. The only problem is that I closed the app when I parked an hour ago and it still won’t shut up,” said Luger, holding his hands over his phone to muffle the ranting. “I went to get a coffee and the GPS started loudly proselytizing about ‘the cafe’s farcical fair trade pledge while stocking unethically-sourced Nestlé products.’ I mean he’s right, but not in front of the cute barista, dude.”
While Luger struggled to navigate his everyday life with Biafra ranting from his pocket, the software engineer that designed the app was puzzled by the persistent bug plaguing his user base.
“I’ve pored over every line of code looking for the issue but no matter what I do, once you get the Jello GPS voice started it’s impossible to get it to stop talking,” said software engineer Blake Armstrong, removing his glasses and rubbing his temples. “I hate to complain because Jello was really dedicated during recording—the call sheet only asked for half a day of voiceover but he came into the studio for 36 hours, read an entire encyclopedia aloud, and then laid down a diatribe about how the ‘Paw Patrol’ to ROTC pipeline will fill the ranks for the next unjust Gulf War.”
As the troubles associated with the app drew more attention, traffic officials warned of the dangers of relying on novelty celebrity GPS voices while driving.
“Downloading the voice of your favorite singer may seem like a fun way to spice up your commute, but motorists should be aware of the dangers too. In fact, we saw a dramatic spike in traffic accidents after drivers kept driving into ditches after the Noel Gallagher GPS berated them the entire drive,” said Department of Transportation official Bob Melton. “And just last week I missed my daughter’s recital because I couldn’t understand a thing that my Ozzy Osbourne GPS was saying and ended up in the wrong city.”
At press time, Luger was seen pleading with the Jello Biafra GPS to play it cool after he was pulled over by a cop.