PALM BEACH, Fla. — The most recent indictment of former President Donald Trump reportedly contains photographic evidence that classified documents were being sold in a bargain bin during a yard sale at his Mar-a-Lago resort, prosecutors confirmed.
“This case has taken months to build, we have obtained multiple photos and videos clearly showing highly classified documents for sale next to some of those Dream Team cups McDonald’s had in the ‘90s, a dusty dehumidifier, and slightly grease-stained pants,” said special counsel Jack Smith. “There are questions that still need to be answered. Was the entire crate being sold for $2? Or was each individual document being sold for $2? We were also alarmed by the fact Mr. Trump was selling old WWF Wrestling Superstars action figures and claiming they were never removed from the box. But you can clearly see the figures were heavily used, and the boxes were hastily taped and glued back together.”
Palm Beach resident Barry Hillston attended the yard sale and claims he is being forced to testify against Trump in the upcoming trial.
“I go to that yard sale every year because I leave feeling like a king. Two years ago I bought a gold-plated toilet seat for just $8, I still use that thing,” said Hillston. “But now I have these guys in suits claiming the documents, that I bought fair and square mind you, don’t belong to me no more. They say it’s a matter of ‘national security,’ and that a civilian shouldn’t know about any plans to invade Iran, or where certain missile systems are located. I think they’re mad that I got such a great deal.”
Lawyers across the country are already weighing in on the validity of the case against the former Commander in Chief.
“This will be a tough case for the prosecution. They will have to prove that the documents Trump sold were in fact actual pieces of U.S. intelligence and not just some regular pieces of paper he was using to make a few extra dollars on the weekend,” said Janine Pellitier, a defense attorney in Ohio. “Trump has been known to fake some merchandise at his yard sales. He famously tried to sell a copy of ‘Surfer Girl’ by The Beach Boys for $60 that he claimed was signed by the entire band, but all the signatures were forgeries other than Mike Love’s, so it was basically worth nothing at that point.”
At press time, Fox News interrupted all scheduled programming and plan to run video of their pundits screaming “Hunter Biden’s Laptop” repeatedly until the trial ends.