TIGARD, Ore. — Reports indicate that urban sprawl and logging are decimating the forest preserves that once teamed with teenagers drinking alcohol stolen from their parents or procured using a fake ID, sources who are pissed they can’t crush a Mad Dog tonight confirm.
“I showed up to our usual spot at Fanno Creek Park to find that it had been bulldozed,” local sixteen-year-old Eileen Soto said after stealing some PBR tall-boys from a local 7-Eleven. “Where are we supposed to go now? It seems like every time we find a nice secluded spot to recklessly drink, capitalism swoops in and wipes it out. My older brother told me about these massive bonfires they used to have by Dirksen Park but that got turned into a stupid baseball field. I guess we’ll have to settle for rotating garages at whoever’s parents are out of town.”
City officials, however, seem to not be concerned about the shrinking partying landcape.
“Look, we have a new Costco coming in and we can’t stop progress just because we are going to displace some teenagers,” City Manager Sally Hubbard said at a condo ribbon cutting ceremony. “We have done our due diligence here and there will be plenty of places for the teens to do their debauchery up by Summer Lake. We are proud of the beauty of our forests here in Tigard and the wildlife that comes with them, but we simply need more space. Also, Jesus Christ, I should probably be publicly denouncing underage drinking more. Don’t do it, kids.”
Earth scientist believe that the impact of deforestation is doing more harm than good on a social level as well as an ecological one.
“If these teens don’t have a proper place to drink and smoke weed, then they are going to spill out onto backyards, office parks, and high school football fields,” said Harriet Brady, PhD student at Portland State University. “We are talking about a collapse of an entire alcohol ecosystem that has been thriving since the 1960s. These kids need to have this space as part of their developmental process. Drinking in a forest is a right of passage for many of these kids, and without the allure of a semi-secluded forest where they can get bit to shit by mosquitos and suffer alcohol poisoning before they can legally vote, they will miss out on a necessary step of maturation.”
As of press time, the county and the teens union representative have struck a tentative deal to relocate them to the abandoned mall parking lot until a permanent residence can be found.